Smithers to Finally Come Out of the Closet

This season on The Simpsons, Wayland Smithers Jr. will finally come out of the closet to the only person in Springfield who didn’t know he was gay: his boss (and longtime not-so-secret crush) Mr. Burns. This is going to be AWESOME.


Ned: Come on Homer, I’m insisting on a fisting.

Smithers: What’s this about a fisting?

Sea Monster Wednesday


This edition of Sea Monster Monday Wednesday is brought to you by Procrastination.

My friends Bill and Bob Clark, from the excellent blog SF Sea Serpent, recently sent me this fascinating email from one of their readers about a sea monster sighting from 2009. It’s very detailed and – if true – seems to indicate that Frannie (the sea monster seen in the San Francisco Bay since before 1875) is HUGE.

Bill and Bob, I think you’re gonna need a bigger boat…

—–Forwarded Message—–
From: Chris Acosta
Sent: Aug 16, 2015 11:47 AM
Subject: Strange sighting

Hello! I am so happy to have stumbled upon your page and to discover all of the sightings that you and so many have witnessed in the bay. I’m even more excited because now I have a place to share my own sighting with you.
In 2009, my friend, his father and my wife went fishing in the bay during the halibut run. It was relatively calm out and the water was clear. We had four fish on a stringer alongside the boat and our eyes were glued to the surface of the water while we fished, on the lookout for opportunistic sea lions. When we decided to finally move to another location my friends’ father went to grab the stringer of fish and I was on the opposite side of the boat, reeling in my line. Suddenly, my friends’ dad (I’m sorry I can’t remember his name) yells out in surprise and says to come look over the side of the boat. From my side I see something swimming right under us and away from me, descending as it went and I swear it looked like a giant snake. The girth of it was incredible; I’ll modestly say, five feet around and it seemed to go on for an impossibly long time. I turned around and my buddy, Ron is also looking at the thing and then we looked at one another in shock. The creature was a dark brown color and I did not see scales or any other features, unfortunately. I was too preoccupied with the size and abnormality of it to process anything else.
After reading some of your reports I have to say that I’m very grateful that the thing had not come up out of the water as seen by some people. I can’t imagine how scary that would be or how dangerous. What we saw was easily large enough to take a person. I’m not a marine biologist but I don’t need to be to tell me that what I saw was not a whale or group of sea lions or anything known. It was so close and the water so clear that we had nothing to obscure our perception which would contribute to a misidentification.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read this and I look forward to this mystery being solved in the near future!
ps. I don’t know the exact location of your fishing trip but we launched out of Berkeley marina if that helps

Lizard Man Sighted in South Carolina?

A woman leaving church in Bishopville, South Carolina, recently snapped a photo of what some are calling the area’s legendary Lizard Man of Scape Ore Swamp. Or what is clearly the cheesiest costume in recent monster hoaxer history.


Sid and Marty Kroft could not be reached for comment. 

The Mysterious Life and Death of Jeffrey Alan Lash

(Sorry, kids. Sea Monster Monday has temporarily been pre-empted by a breaking story too weird not to report. It will be back next week.)

On Friday, July 17, Los Angeles police found the remains of a man decomposing in his car, which had been parked in front of his Pacific Palisades home a few weeks earlier. The deceased – a 60-year-old white male identified as Jeffrey Alan Lash – died on July 4 and directed his fiancée and his assistant to leave his body in the car and get out of town, as his “government handlers” would take care of it. They did as told, because they believed his stories about being a part-alien secret agent who worked for an unnamed spy agency. The police have released a statement that Lash did not work for any government agency. (Like they would admit it.)

While investigating his home for foul play, police found:

  • More than 1,200 guns worth $1 million
  • $230,000 in cash
  • Two tons of ammunition, including bows and arrows, knives, and machetes
  • Evidence that he owned 14 vehicles stashed around the city, including a Toyota retrofitted to be driven underwater.


Lash’s unusually large gun collection, AKA a “Texas starter kit.” 

According to tenants at his former residence, he drove a different new vehicle almost every month; the vehicles never had plates. Neighbors knew him as “Skinny Bob” – a friendly local gun nut who claimed to work for the CIA, dressed all in black and seemed a bit jumpy. Police have confirmed that he was not a gun runner or drug dealer and no one can determine where his sizable fortune came from.

Some of the even weirder aspects of the case that – if one were a conspiracy theory fan – might lend credence to Lash’s claims of being a human-alien hybrid super spy:

  • His  father, a microbiologist, owned a medical laboratory. (Which would be convenient for gene-splicing.)
  • Neighbors thought he was dying of cancer but Lash told his fiancée that his condition was caused by exposure to nerve-damaging chemicals during one of his missions.
  • Employees of a local Italian restaurant frequented by Lash and his fiancée revealed that he invariably ordered the same dish for every meal – raw filet mignon.
  • In this selfie-crazed age, the only photo that can be produced of Lash is a blurry driver license picture provided by his attorney.


Seems legit. 

Was Lash a wealthy eccentric with a taste for raw meat or an alien-hybrid secret agent whose handlers dropped the ball on body retrieval duty? I’m leaning toward alien-hybrid… but that’s just me.

Stephen Hawking Backs Search for Alien Life

Sea Monster Monday: Meet Jenny Haniver

Behold the terrifying spawn of the deep! Is it a mermaid? A merman? A freakishly cheerful alien? Nope, it’s just Jenny Haniver.


If Predator and the Flying Nun had a baby…

A Jenny Haniver is the dried carcass of a skate fish (a smaller version of a sting ray) that was carved to look like a sea monster and sold to gullible tourists as proof of sea monsters. These specimens are thought to have inspired stories about the Sea Monk, a supposed sea monster that looked like a man of the cloth — sort of an underwater priest, if you will.


Forgive me, Father, for I have finned. (I’ll show myself out…)

Here are some other versions of Jenny Hanniver that will haunt your dreams.


Oh. Dear. God.  


Worst Gremlins cosplay ever. 


It’s smiling because it knows where you live. 

Stay tuned for next Monday, when I review new footage of Frannie, the San Francisco Bay sea monster, sent to me by wonderful Friends of the Blog (FOB) Bill and Bob Clark of SF Sea Serpent fame.

Happy Birthday, Nikola Tesla!

Today is the birthday of Nikola Tesla, greatest inventor who ever lived (and possible cause of the Tunguska Explosion of 1908.)

Please to enjoy this excellent article about Mr. Tesla, brought to you by the fine people at The Oatmeal. Also, fuck Thomas Edison right in the eye socket. With a meat cleaver.

Tesla Celibate

Someone knows how to rock a handsome pornstache. Ironically.  

Barry Goldwater Denied Access to Hangar 18 in the 1960s 


UFOs Spotted Over Loch Ness

In a giant twofer for paranormal fans, a pair of mysterious identical disks were caught on film hovering over Loch Ness. British tourists took pictures of the lake while on vacation in April and only recently looked at the photos. They were startled to notice what appears to be a matched pair of golden disks floating about 900 feet above the surface of the water. LOCH-NESS-UFO-CIRCLE-ftr

Loch Ness – check. UFOs – check. If Bigfoot was there, it would be a paranormal hat trick. Of AWESOME.


Swamp gas, obvs! Shiny metallic swamp gas…. that travels in pairs. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

If you’d like to monitor the Loch for further UFO activity – or you know, just run-of-the-mill sea monster sighthings – click here for the NessieCam. And tell Nessie I said “Hey!” (She owes me money.)

Mysterious Structure Found in Ancient Lake

Scientists are baffled by a mysterious stone structure recently discovered at the bottom of the Sea of Galilee in Israel. Comprised of basalt stones, the enormous circular structure – with a 230-foot circumference – rises to a height of 32 feet and is estimated to weigh 60,000 tons. 

Twice the size of Stonehenge, the structure is estimated to be between 2,000 to 12,000 years old. Investigating archeologists have no idea who built it or what purpose it served.


I assume it’s a Starbucks.