Did Hitler Escape to Argentina in 1945? Is There a UFO Connection? Could This Headline Get Any Weirder?

The authors of Grey Wolf: The Escape of Adolf Hitler claim to have proof that der Fuhrer and Eva Braun escaped their Berlin bunker and fled by submarine to Argentina in 1945. This impressively nutty conspiracy theory outlines a plot in which the U.S. military turned a blind eye to the escape in exchange for access to advanced Nazi military technology.

The creepy part is that UFO conspiracy theorists have long held that the U.S. government gave a pass to Nazi scientists (like Wernher von Braun, AKA: the “Father of Rocket Technology”) so they could work for NASA to help the U.S. beat the Russians in the Space Race. (Supposedly the German military had gained secret rocket technology from reverse-engineering a UFO that crashed in a German forest near Frieberg in 1936.) So, that part of the story actually kind of rings true. And Joseph Stalin famously believed that Hitler escaped to South America, telling  the Allies (including President Truman) as much at the Potsdam Conference of 1945.

How ghastly would it be if the whole thing was valid? Due to superior Nazi UFO knowledge, did the most evil man in history get to live out his golden years in an Argentine village?

Melted Nazi Suprise

The villagers were surprised by kindly old Herr Smith’s reaction to holy water. 


Secret Military UFO Chart Revealed!

Number 3

It would be funnier if it wasn’t true. 


Ghost Burglar Hits Liquor Store

Patrons of an Alabama liquor store were recently surprised to see a man dressed in a ghost costume, i.e., a bed sheet with poorly placed holes, run into the establishment. He did a lap around the store and then fled without stealing anything because his costume kept falling over his eyes. So…… clearly a master criminal. Ghost burglar

He’s looking for BOO-OOOOOZE! 

Note: Since this happened in Alabama, there’s a chance that this mystery man wearing a sheet may just be a profoundly retarded Ku Klux Klan member, i.e., all of them.

You have to hand it to the guy. What he lacks in criminal cunning, he makes up for in undisputed disguise hilarity. Tune in next week when Captain Thought Process up there tries to rob a Denny’s dressed in a leopard-print catsuit and a blindfold.

 

 


Come Back, Big Tex!

I miss our old state fair mascot. This new version looks less like Big Tex and more like Rapey Will Rogers.

Creepy Big Tex

Howdy, ma’am! Does this rag smell like chloroform to you? 


The Saddest Book in the World

photo

AKA: I’ve Never Seen a Grown Man Naked.


It Sounds Better in German

German is the non-nerd version of Klingon: a guttural language best used for barking orders at people and threatening Poland. However, it’s very good at one thing — effectively condensing a complex concept into a single useful word. Words like Schadenfraude (taking pleasure in other’s misery) and Handschuhschneeballwerfer (someone who wears gloves to throw snowballs.)

The Hoff

GreasieHoffenCrotcher?

Despite German’s legendary efficiency, there are still some situations that need a descriptor. So I’m throwing my tiny green hat into the semantic ring to come up with my own German efficiency words. Such as…

SkittleGrossen — purposely buying candy you hate to avoid eating it all before Halloween.

Marina: “Damn it! Patrick ate all the mini-Snickers I bought for the trick-or-treaters.”

Me: “You should have SkittleGrossened. I’m giving out circus peanuts and Clamato.”

Circus-Peanuts

Legend has it that these were once edible. 

Druncle — the randy, drunk uncle who skeeves everyone out during the holidays with inappropriate  topics.

Example

Me: “My druncle freaked us all out at Christmas by talking about his nipples. Again.”

Druncle

Or wrestle with his shirt off. 

BoozenKinder — the practice of making the presence of ill-behaved children more tolerable by pretending that they are tiny, inebriated adults.

Example

A small boy runs by, wearing his underpants like a mask and screeching “I’m a Batman! Wheeeeee!!!”

Me: “LOL. That guy is cut off. No more Jäger for you, Dakota!”

drunk-kid

“I will cut a bitch. “

What new German words do you think we need?


UFO Crash in North London!

Children at a North London primary school were astonished to find a crashed UFO half-buried in the tarmac when they went to class a few weeks ago. The ship was being guarded by a constable while a forensics officer collected evidence.

London UFO Crash Part 2

Rather than British Roswell, however, it turned out to be a staged event by the parents meant to inspire the children on Creative Writing Day.

The coolest thing that ever happened at my elementary was a trip to the local bakery. And those lucky little British kids got a U-F-freakin’-O crash in the middle of their playground… just to inspire them to write well.

London UFO Crash

Here’s a close-up of the saucer to rub it in. 

I’m currently campaigning to be adopted by one of these brilliant parents, but it’s not going well. Something about “you’re already an adult” blah blah “let go of my leg” blah blah “restraining order.” Kids just do NOT know how good they’ve got it these days.

And I’m officially turning into Grandpa Simpson in 3… 2…

grandpa_simpson_yelling_at_cloud

If I’m not back at the home by nine, they declare me legally dead and collect my insurance.