UFO Crash in North London!

Children at a North London primary school were astonished to find a crashed UFO half-buried in the tarmac when they went to class a few weeks ago. The ship was being guarded by a constable while a forensics officer collected evidence.

London UFO Crash Part 2

Rather than British Roswell, however, it turned out to be a staged event by the parents meant to inspire the children on Creative Writing Day.

The coolest thing that ever happened at my elementary was a trip to the local bakery. And those lucky little British kids got a U-F-freakin’-O crash in the middle of their playground… just to inspire them to write well.

London UFO Crash

Here’s a close-up of the saucer to rub it in. 

I’m currently campaigning to be adopted by one of these brilliant parents, but it’s not going well. Something about “you’re already an adult” blah blah “let go of my leg” blah blah “restraining order.” Kids just do NOT know how good they’ve got it these days.

And I’m officially turning into Grandpa Simpson in 3… 2…

grandpa_simpson_yelling_at_cloud

If I’m not back at the home by nine, they declare me legally dead and collect my insurance.


CIA: “Area 51 Exists!” World: “Duh.”

In an announcement that surprised absolutely no one, the CIA has now confirmed the existence of Area 51. Of course, they gloss over any UFO references, referring to the site as a super-secret area dedicated to “testing spy planes.”

 MIB

 “Testing spy planes is slang for reverse-engineering UFOs, right?”

 Despite having a variety of nicknames – including Dreamland, Groom Lake and the unintentionally hilarious Homey Airport – the base is officially known as Paradise Ranch. Which is a TERRIBLE name — it sounds like a Texas-themed titty bar. Although you have to admit having an on-base topless bar for the alien captives would be the hospitable thing to do. Someone get the Geneva Convention people on the phone…

Three Boobed Stripper

You don’t want to know what she’s got going on downstairs. 


Dutch Baboons Buzzed by UFOs?

Zoologists at a Dutch zoo are mystified by the strange behavior of a troop of baboons who recently began exhibiting bizarre PTSD symptoms. The baboons are hiding in trees and refusing to come out or interact with zoo visitors.  It’s a extreme version of how primates in the wild react to an encounter with an apex predator, leading some to theorize that the baboons may have been traumatized by a UFO sighting.

Due to the large number of monkey cosmonauts launched into the galaxy as “test pilots” during the Space Race of the 1950s/60s,  the aliens may have come to assume that monkeys are the most intelligent species on Earth. Also, that they are swinging bachelor playboys, based on those little jumpsuits. (You know how astronauts are.)

Monkey Cosmonaut

I’m kind of a big deal. 

They’re probably just trying to broker a peace treaty and think the baboons are playing hard to get.

Skeptical Alien

I’ve got a 50-gallon banana daiquiri with your name on it. Let’s talk.  


Happy 66th Roswell Anniversary!

Today marks the 66th anniversary of the Roswell Incident of 1947, the most famous UFO crash in history. I’m proud to report that Fort Worth played a big part in this event, which continues to fascinate both hardcore MUFON members and the general public.

Several days after the crash, mangled wreckage from the debris field in Roswell was reportedly routed to Carswell Air Force Base here in Fort Worth before being sent on for permanent storage/rumored reverse engineering at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in Ohio. In fact, the most iconic photo from the event was taken at Carswell by a Fort Worth Star-Telegram newspaper reporter.

According to numerous sources, Roswell crash eyewitness Major Jesse Marcel was flown to Fort Worth and forced to pose with the tattered remains of a weather balloon to bolster the military’s cover story after they recanted their initial press release of a downed UFO.

Jesse Marcel Sr at Carswell

“Seriously, guys? No, for reals — seriously?”  

I don’t what really happened on that hot, stormy July evening so many years ago, but I am sure of one thing: it was not a weather balloon. I’ve been to Roswell, people… I’ve seen things*.

* Things I’ve seen in Roswell include: morbidly obese German tourists, dogs in space alien costumes, men wearing tinfoil hats non-ironically and enough wild-eyed conspiracy theorists to fill an X-Files convention. Also, convincing evidence of some kind of government cover-up. But mostly the tinfoil-hat dudes.