Dear Santa: Suck It

I’m a simple woman. I only asked Santa for a few small things this year: eternal youth, world domination and this UFO detector. (Click here to see it; SO snazzy and it’s getting great reviews on Amazon.com, including this one from someone who is definitely not an alien.)

I knew I was chancing it on the youth and world domination requests, but I felt certain that someone would buy me the UFO detector. I mean, c’mon… it even got a sterling review from the peerless George Takei (AKA Sulu from Star Trek.) Just look at this oiled blue steel beauty:

UFO Detector

For a 20% discount, don’t forget to use the code THECIAISTOTESNOTTRACKINGTHESEPLEASESPEAKDIRECTLYINTOTHESWIRLYTHING

But did I get one? No! It’s like Santa doesn’t even know me at all.

Screw the holidays. I am converting to Jediism. Maybe next year I’ll at least get a goddamned light saber.


CIA: “Area 51 Exists!” World: “Duh.”

In an announcement that surprised absolutely no one, the CIA has now confirmed the existence of Area 51. Of course, they gloss over any UFO references, referring to the site as a super-secret area dedicated to “testing spy planes.”

 MIB

 “Testing spy planes is slang for reverse-engineering UFOs, right?”

 Despite having a variety of nicknames – including Dreamland, Groom Lake and the unintentionally hilarious Homey Airport – the base is officially known as Paradise Ranch. Which is a TERRIBLE name — it sounds like a Texas-themed titty bar. Although you have to admit having an on-base topless bar for the alien captives would be the hospitable thing to do. Someone get the Geneva Convention people on the phone…

Three Boobed Stripper

You don’t want to know what she’s got going on downstairs.