Dear Santa: Suck It

I’m a simple woman. I only asked Santa for a few small things this year: eternal youth, world domination and this UFO detector. (Click here to see it; SO snazzy and it’s getting great reviews on Amazon.com, including this one from someone who is definitely not an alien.)

I knew I was chancing it on the youth and world domination requests, but I felt certain that someone would buy me the UFO detector. I mean, c’mon… it even got a sterling review from the peerless George Takei (AKA Sulu from Star Trek.) Just look at this oiled blue steel beauty:

For a 20% discount, don’t forget to use the code THECIAISTOTESNOTTRACKINGTHESEPLEASESPEAKDIRECTLYINTOTHESWIRLYTHING

But did I get one? No! It’s like Santa doesn’t even know me at all.

Screw the holidays. I am converting to Jediism. Maybe next year I’ll at least get a goddamned light saber.