Thanksgiving UFO Sighted in Fort Worth

That would be a Unidentified Fowl Object, i.e., the turkey veggie platter I made for Thanksgiving this year. I saw it on Pinterest, the crafty crack cocaine of the Interwebs,

Turkey Veggie Tray

I am obsessed with Pinterest; I may need a Pintervention

And if space creatures were on the fence about whether or not to take over the planet, the following clip of a Black Friday riot at Wal-Mart will convince them that we’re a terrible species in need of alien overlords. Please note that the lady being arrested for assault never loosens her death grip on that TV, even when the hot Channing Tatum-esque cops tries to cuff her.

The true meaning of Christmas: choking out your fellow man for a 32″ flat-screen. God bless us everyone.


Sideshow Slaughter: The Murder of Lobster Boy

Grady Stiles Jr. was many things: Sideshow attraction. Inheritor of ectrodactyly, a hereditary condition that left him legless with pincher-like claws instead of hands. A shrewd business man. And, according to his battered family, a drunken, abusive asshat.

He openly boasted about shooting his daughter’s fiance to death in 1978 but was given probation because no prison would take him based on his condition. Known to go through a bottle of bottle of booze a day, he used his powerful upper body strength to beat his family regularly.

Not only a wife beater, Stiles was also — incredibly enough — a philanderer, bragging that “everyone who has sex with me wants to have sex with my claws.”

Grady Stiles Portrait

I’ll pause a moment to let you drink that image in. You’re welcome. 

Note that he said “everyone.” As in more than one human being found this sexy. Thus confirming Rule 34, which states that if it exists, there is porn of it.

Grady_stiles_claw

Some in Japan is furiously masturbating to this right now.

His wife eventually had her fill of being pimp-slapped and hired someone to gun him down. His death was short and violent, much like Grady himself. And her revenge followed Lobster Boy and his creepy claws to the grave.

lobster boy headstone

She put the praying hands on there after they refused to write “SUCK IT.”


The Odd Gifts of Ingo Swann

Ingo Swann, who worked with the CIA in the 1970’s to spy on Russia via remote viewing and co-created the agency’s Stargate Project, died earlier this year. Famous for powerful psychic abilities and government-funded parapsychology experiments, his life story reads like a Fringe script. Except weirder.

Swann’s life was a paradox. Believing that his psychic/telekinetic powers were a natural ability, he decried the mystical  trappings surrounding the field and encouraged rational study of the subject. And to prove his power, Ingo famously announced the existence of planetary rings around the planet Jupiter in 1973 — six years before the Voyager probe confirmed his findings.

However, no matter how hard he worked to make parapsychology seem legitimate, Ingo’s tireless and profound eccentricity cancelled out the effort. Scientists tend to not take you seriously when you spend your down time creating impossibly cheesy “psychic” art  and claiming to have had sexy encounters with a lady space alien in your autobiography, which has the in-no-way-deranged title: “Penetration: The Question of Extraterrestrial and Human Telepathy.”

So, basically it’s a draw. Thanks for nothing, Ingo.

Ingo Swann Book Cover

Pictured: Credibility. 

 


World’s First Roomba Suicide

An overworked Roomba 760 reportedly committed the world’s first (to my knowledge) robot suicide in Austria recently. The robot vacuum cleaner’s owner swears the the Roomba was turned off before she left her apartment but somehow it managed to turn itself back on and deliberately scoot onto the stovetop, where it burnt to a crisp.

Death by Roomba

Oddly enough, the stove had an airtight alibi. 

Luckily the building was evacuated before anyone could get hurt but the owner is still at a loss for a motive. Rumor has it, however, the Roomba was depressed over a recent break-up.

rosie-jetsons-maid

“Why, Gary… WHY!?!”  


Speaking of Sex Demons…

Inner Demons

Just kidding. I hate to cuddle. 


Haunted B&B: Come for the Ghosts, Stay for the Sex Demon

The Ancient Ram Inn, a 12th-century B&B located in the U.K., is considered to be one of the most haunted sites in England, according to the owners. Not only is it home to more than 20 ghosts, the Inn (which was built on top of the obligatory pagan graveyard) also claims to have its own sex demon that likes to get its freak on with the guests.

Image

Gene: “Did someone say SEX DEMON?!?” *Does terrifying geriatric movements with his tongue*

Me: “Will someone please escort Mr. Simmons back to the home? It’s almost time for Matlock.” 

Do you have to pay extra for the demon sex? Please tell me there’s at least an established safe word.

sex demon

Kimaris the Corruptor: “Do I make you horny, baby?” *bad Austin Powers impression*

Female Guest: “ZEBRA! I repeat: ZEBRA!” 


Bad (Ass) Grandpa

After a hungry bear attacked, an 80-year-old Russian shepherd did what any typical octogenarian would do — he promptly got eaten. No, I kid. This happened in Russia, where bears are tough and the grandpas are even tougher. Yusuf Alchagirov immediately headbutted the bear and kicked it until it fell over.  Humiliated in front of the other bears, the beast tossed the old man off a cliff and sauntered away, trying to look casual. And Yusuf brushed himself off, popped into the hospital for a check-up and then continued his day job of shepherding the hell out of some sheep.

So after kicking a bear’s ass and being THROWN OFF A CLIFF, Yusuf went back to living in his tiny Russian village, presumably where he sleeps on a large bed of money and naked Victoria’s Secret models.

Russian Shepherd

Luckily, the fall was broken by his giant balls.