My UFO Story: AKA Comet 289

I was in my backyard last Thursday night (08/28/14) wrangling dogs, when I saw the proverbial “lights in the sky.” At first, I thought it was the moon until I realized that the moon was shining in the sky behind me. I was standing there in the dark, completely transfixed by this thin crescent of light glowing against the night sky. Suddenly, it shrank down into a single orb of intense light and… vanished.

I stood there for a full minute afterward, completely unnerved and wondering if I had just had my first UFO sighting. I was half stoked and half freaked out.

Tragically – for me, at least – there is evidence that what I witnessed was most likely the perihelion of a rare comet called Comet 289/Blanpain. Which is pretty disappointing. If you’re going to witness a mysterious comet, you’re really hoping it will be named something more dramatic, like Frankenstein Thunderhammer or Blaze Destiny’Boom. *Sigh*

ProfessorFrink2

Professor Frink: “That comet is headed straight for us, with the fire and the impact and the 100% chance of pain… pain in the glavin!”

Note: Blaze Destiny’Boom is officially now my stripper name.

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Secret Military UFO Chart Revealed!

Number 3

It would be funnier if it wasn’t true. 


UFO Crash in North London!

Children at a North London primary school were astonished to find a crashed UFO half-buried in the tarmac when they went to class a few weeks ago. The ship was being guarded by a constable while a forensics officer collected evidence.

London UFO Crash Part 2

Rather than British Roswell, however, it turned out to be a staged event by the parents meant to inspire the children on Creative Writing Day.

The coolest thing that ever happened at my elementary was a trip to the local bakery. And those lucky little British kids got a U-F-freakin’-O crash in the middle of their playground… just to inspire them to write well.

London UFO Crash

Here’s a close-up of the saucer to rub it in. 

I’m currently campaigning to be adopted by one of these brilliant parents, but it’s not going well. Something about “you’re already an adult” blah blah “let go of my leg” blah blah “restraining order.” Kids just do NOT know how good they’ve got it these days.

And I’m officially turning into Grandpa Simpson in 3… 2…

grandpa_simpson_yelling_at_cloud

If I’m not back at the home by nine, they declare me legally dead and collect my insurance.


Happy 66th Roswell Anniversary!

Today marks the 66th anniversary of the Roswell Incident of 1947, the most famous UFO crash in history. I’m proud to report that Fort Worth played a big part in this event, which continues to fascinate both hardcore MUFON members and the general public.

Several days after the crash, mangled wreckage from the debris field in Roswell was reportedly routed to Carswell Air Force Base here in Fort Worth before being sent on for permanent storage/rumored reverse engineering at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in Ohio. In fact, the most iconic photo from the event was taken at Carswell by a Fort Worth Star-Telegram newspaper reporter.

According to numerous sources, Roswell crash eyewitness Major Jesse Marcel was flown to Fort Worth and forced to pose with the tattered remains of a weather balloon to bolster the military’s cover story after they recanted their initial press release of a downed UFO.

Jesse Marcel Sr at Carswell

“Seriously, guys? No, for reals — seriously?”  

I don’t what really happened on that hot, stormy July evening so many years ago, but I am sure of one thing: it was not a weather balloon. I’ve been to Roswell, people… I’ve seen things*.

* Things I’ve seen in Roswell include: morbidly obese German tourists, dogs in space alien costumes, men wearing tinfoil hats non-ironically and enough wild-eyed conspiracy theorists to fill an X-Files convention. Also, convincing evidence of some kind of government cover-up. But mostly the tinfoil-hat dudes. 


Chinese Jet vs. UFO: The UFO Won

An Air China Boeing 757 recently collided with an unknown flying object (UFO) at 26,000 feet, causing the pilots to make an emergency landing. When the plane reached the ground, the pilots were in for a shock — the nose cone of the plane was completely caved in. Check it out below:

Nosecone 1

Nothing to see here. Move along. 

What’s even weirder is that the pilots didn’t see anything in their flight path. They just suddenly heard a loud bang and felt an abrupt, metallic impact. I’m not saying they did run into a UFO with a cloaking device engaged.  I’m not saying they didn’t run into a UFO with a cloaking device engaged. But I am saying cloaking device a lot.

*cough cough* TOTES A UFO! *cough cough*

Nosecone 2

Official Chinese Government Explanation: “Blah, blah, swamp gas, blah, blah, weather balloon, blah blah, possibly a flock of geese. Blah.”

The Law of Physics: “Fuck you.”


Speaking Of UFOs…

The Huffington Post provided comprehensive coverage of the recent Citizen Hearing on Disclosure, a five-day Congressional-style hearing held at the National Press Club in Washington, D.C. from April 29 – May 3. While HuffPo did file it under their Weird News section, the coverage is straight-forward, with none of the joking tone that the media usually employs when reporting on UFOs.

Check it out. There are no tinfoil-hat, conspiracy nuts speaking in these sessions. These are, for the most part, former Congressmen and Senators, former astronauts, and retired high-ranking Air Force officers. There is also video of a deathbed disclosure of government knowledge of aliens from an ex-CIA operative. Note: Ignore the crappy, circa-1997 look to the website featuring the ex-CIA confession. Just focus on the compelling video.

Are these ships from another galaxy or just top-secret military vehicles of our own?  It’s open for debate. But, whether you are firmly in the “UFOs don’t exist” camp OR a full-fledged UFO believer, I think you’ll find these articles and the video interesting.

A special THANK YOU to FOB (friend of the blog) Jennifer Malone for sending this in, btw. 🙂

Kang and Kodos

Kang: This post isn’t funny at all.  When is she going to get back to making Star Wars jokes?

Kodos: I don’t know but this sucks. Put her on the PROBE ROSTER!


FEMA Planning Zombie UFO Crash Site Drills?

Now I love zombies as much as the next person, but this is a little creepy.  A gentleman named David VanDerBeek is running for Governor of Nevada in 2014. On his website, VanDerBeek claims that he found a page on FEMA’s site that listed plans for a disaster drill called — and I quote  — ZOMBIE UFO CRASH DISASTER FULL-SCALE EXERCISE. (See screenshot below.) He says that when he contacted FEMA for more information, they took the page down.

So either this guy’s a gubernatorial conspiracy nut with mad Photoshop skillz, or FEMA has a better sense of humor than we’ve been led to believe. This makes no sense. A zombie disaster drill? Sure. A UFO crash response exercise? Duh. (I’ve been to Roswell. I didn’t just fall off the alien turnip truck.)

But a Zombie UFO Crash drill? That’s just ridiculous. Zombies don’t have the motor skills required to fly a UFO. Everyone knows that.

Zombie-UFO-Crash-Disaster-Full-Scale-Exercise-Main

This had better be fake. I have no idea how to fight off intergalactic zombies.