It’s been a pretty big week for our boy Bigfoot, He’s got a brand new video out.
Bigfoot’s been camera-shy ever since he got that disastrous Brazilian wax.
He’s also had some big audiotape news. On BigfootSounds.com, R. Scott Nelson (a retired Navy linguistics expert) claims to be able to speak Sasquatch and has posted his own phonetic Bigfoot alphabet. The crypto-linguist has recently translated recordings of the legendary Berry-Morehead 1970s audiotape of Bigfoot speech. The transcript reveals that – like 68% of other overweight Americans – Bigfoot is obsessed with food.
He’s calling Jenny Craig.
I did more research on the previous story that indicates that the Bigfoot species (if it exists) may have originated from sexy times between a super-hairy primate and a human woman, AKA the plot of every Ron Jeremy movie ever.
Many cultures have legends about a Yeti-like creature — from the Abominable Snowman of the Himalayas to the Australian Yowie to the Sasquatch of North America. Russia has a particularly unusual version called the Almas. (Note: In the Mongolian language, Almas is singular. The plural is Alamases or Almasty.) Unlike the giant primate descriptions we usually hear about Bigfoot (7-feet-tall, covered with fur, easily tricked by idiots waving Slim Jims), Almases were described as human height, covered with light reddish hair and having Neanderthal-like facial features. Sightings date back to 1430, and there have been persistent rumors that the Red Army captured a male Almas in 1941 but – as he was unable to speak – shot him as a spy. (The Red Army Motto: Proudly shooting anything that moves since 1917.)
However, the most famous/documented Almas captive in Russian history is undoubtedly Zana, a female Almas purportedly captured in the 1850s near the Black Sea in the USSR. She was brought to the village of T’khina and initially kept in chains. As the years passed, she became somewhat domesticated and was taught to perform simple tasks. Inordinately strong, she could hoist a heavy bag of flour with one hand, to the amazement of the villagers.
This is supposedly an artist’s rendering of Zana. It might be Khloe Kardashian. There’s really no way to tell.
Apparently, Siberian winters are INCREDIBLY LONELY because several of the braver (and presumably desperately horny) male villagers got Zana pregnant. Repeatedly. In all, she was reported to have borne six children who, while hairier than normal, looked otherwise human. The first two died when she washed them in an icy spring. The village women intervened with her next four pregnancies, taking the newborns away from Zana immediately after birth and raising them as their own. These births are recorded in the local census. This is her son Khwit:
Khwit: Either half-Almas or every cab driver I’ve ever had.
Cryptozoologists are still really obsessed with this story and many have tried to find Zana’s grave, with no success. However, they did exhume poor Khwit up there and supposedly his skull displayed a number of anomalies consistent with some kind of hybridization.
Basically Zana was the only “documented” Bigfoot mom in history.
And with that, I wish you all a very Happy Mother’s Day!