A Public Service Announcement Regarding Semi-Nude Selfies

In a sure sign of the impending apocalypse, a flurry of groin-centric celebrity selfies has recently hit the Internet.

Attention, men of Earth: Unless your name rhymes with Rent Treznor or Tanning Baitum, no one wants to see your sexy self-portraiture.

Last week, 70-year-old Geraldo Rivera drunk-tweeted a picture of himself wearing nothing but hippie glasses and a dangerously low-slung towel.

Geraldo Selfie

Pancho Villa’s corpse has surprisingly tight abs. 

Then, of course, there are the many moods of Carlos Danger, AKA Anthony Weiner — who shrewdly sent wang pics to some rando girl who looks like the night manager of an Applebee’s.

Anthony-Weiner's Loch Ness Monster

To keep things SFW, I’ve artfully obscured Little Carlos with the Loch Ness Monster. 

And finally, the grand-daddy of all celebrity crotch shots: Mr. Brett Favre, a man so arrogant and lazy, he notoriously couldn’t even be bothered to remove his hideous Crocs while sexting.

Brett's in Crocs.

There’s no way I’m posting anything that gross. And by that, I mean the Crocs. 

In summary: This has never worked in the history of EVER.  If you want to arouse a girl, send her a picture of yourself rescuing puppies from a fire — you will be on the bus to Poundtown before you know it. You’re welcome.