Godzilla Update!

In my recent story about mysterious stones spontaneously combusting in people’s pants, the popular theory was that the rocks had been contaminated by radiation from the destroyed Fukushima nuclear plant. In the aftermath of the 2011 tsunami, both the Japanese and U.S. government declared that there was no way that radioactive waste could be leaking into the ocean. Because you can always trust the authorities to be forthright and honest about these things.

Exhibit A from today’s paper: 


And by  “probably leaking into the ocean,” they mean “definitely pouring in and creating hideous Cloverfield monsters.”

So, break out the anti-Godzilla guns, kids. And someone text Mothra.


Then get ready for the weirdest three-way ever. (Mothra likes to watch.) 

Mysterious Stones Cause Spontaneous Trouser Combustion in Brazil

A fisherman in Brazil was recently hospitalized with burns in his stranger danger zone after some odd-looking stones that he had picked up on the beach burst into flames in his pants pocket. Must. Not. Make. Hot Dog. Joke.

And he’s not the only one. A San Diego woman suffered a similar fate last year, when she picked up some greenish-orange rocks on an American beach.


Do not store near genitals.

Despite government notices to the contrary, one theory is that these are radioactive fragments washing up from the destroyed Fukushima nuclear plant in the aftermath of the  2011 tsunami in Japan. So… radioactive waste from Japan possibly bobbing around in the ocean. Why does this sound familiar?


I’m on the Atkins Diet. I only eat people named Atkins.