A giant squid, weighing over 350 pounds, was recently netted by Shigenori Goto off Japan’s Sadogashima Island in Niigata Prefecture. Extremely rare, with eyes the size of basketballs and eight creepy tentacles, giant squids are thought to be the basis of sea monster legends throughout the centuries.
Code name: Calamari.
These nightmares of the sea can grow up to 60 feet long and have a giant beak, like a parrot. Inside that beak sits a tongue covered in jagged teeth. Because Nature is a terrifying bitch.
Who wants a kiss?
And, oh yeah… each tentacle features a razor-sharp hook.
Even Great White sharks are like: “Aw, hell naw.”
Plus, recent scientific studies indicate that giant squid intelligence is on the rise.
So I, for one, would like to be the first to welcome our new Squid Overlords. The cuttlefish buffet is right this way, your Tentacleness.
A fisherman in Brazil was recently hospitalized with burns in his stranger danger zone after some odd-looking stones that he had picked up on the beach burst into flames in his pants pocket. Must. Not. Make. Hot Dog. Joke.
And he’s not the only one. A San Diego woman suffered a similar fate last year, when she picked up some greenish-orange rocks on an American beach.
Do not store near genitals.
Despite government notices to the contrary, one theory is that these are radioactive fragments washing up from the destroyed Fukushima nuclear plant in the aftermath of the 2011 tsunami in Japan. So… radioactive waste from Japan possibly bobbing around in the ocean. Why does this sound familiar?
I’m on the Atkins Diet. I only eat people named Atkins.