#StormtrooperProblems
Posted: July 23, 2014 Filed under: Writing Leave a commentWhy did the Stormtrooper buy an iPhone?
He couldn’t find the Droid he was looking for.
Leaked Email from Westboro Baptist Church re: Picketing Paul Walker’s Funeral
Posted: December 5, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous, Writing | Tags: #CrackerAssCrackers, #PicketFuneral, Fast & Furious, Paul Walker, Westboro Baptist Church Leave a commentThe good people at Funny or Die have posted an email leaked by the ever-charming members of Westboro Baptist Church (WBC). It details their upcoming plans to picket actor Paul Walker’s funeral. Enjoy.
God bless this hilarious… pink fishnnet devil dancer? Not sure what look he’s going for, but well done all the same. ($20 says at least one of the WBC boys got a ginormous boner from this.)
Thanks to FOB Jennifer Malone for sending!
The Saddest Book in the World
Posted: October 19, 2013 Filed under: Writing 1 Comment
AKA: I’ve Never Seen a Grown Man Naked.
It Sounds Better in German
Posted: October 17, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous, Writing | Tags: David Hasselhoff, German language 2 CommentsGerman is the non-nerd version of Klingon: a guttural language best used for barking orders at people and threatening Poland. However, it’s very good at one thing — effectively condensing a complex concept into a single useful word. Words like Schadenfraude (taking pleasure in other’s misery) and Handschuhschneeballwerfer (someone who wears gloves to throw snowballs.)
GreasieHoffenCrotcher?
Despite German’s legendary efficiency, there are still some situations that need a descriptor. So I’m throwing my tiny green hat into the semantic ring to come up with my own German efficiency words. Such as…
SkittleGrossen — purposely buying candy you hate to avoid eating it all before Halloween.
Marina: “Damn it! Patrick ate all the mini-Snickers I bought for the trick-or-treaters.”
Me: “You should have SkittleGrossened. I’m giving out circus peanuts and Clamato.”
Legend has it that these were once edible.
Druncle — the randy, drunk uncle who skeeves everyone out during the holidays with inappropriate topics.
Example
Me: “My druncle freaked us all out at Christmas by talking about his nipples. Again.”
Or wrestle with his shirt off.
BoozenKinder — the practice of making the presence of ill-behaved children more tolerable by pretending that they are tiny, inebriated adults.
Example
A small boy runs by, wearing his underpants like a mask and screeching “I’m a Batman! Wheeeeee!!!”
Me: “LOL. That guy is cut off. No more Jäger for you, Dakota!”
“I will cut a bitch. “
What new German words do you think we need?
Cryptid Corner: Walking Shark Discovered in Indonesia
Posted: September 7, 2013 Filed under: Cryptozoology, Nerd HQ, Writing | Tags: Halmahera, Indonesia, Shark, walking shark 3 CommentsA new species of shark that can actually WALK has been discovered in Indonesia. This new species uses four sturdy fins like feet to waddle along the ocean floor looking for small prey.
It’s like watching the world’s ugliest underwater puppy.
This new species is small and harmless to humans. SO FAR.
How long before it learns to walk on land? How long before it gets bigger and develops a taste for blood? How long before SyFy Channel execs have it starring in “Land Shark: Tooth or Consequences”?
I want to give you a big hug. With my teeth.
Meanwhile, back at the Schicklgruber’s house in 1901 Austria…
Posted: August 29, 2013 Filed under: Writing | Tags: Hitler, Mercedes Benz commercial, Schicklgruber 2 CommentsBest Mercedes commercial EVER.
A Public Service Announcement Regarding Semi-Nude Selfies
Posted: July 30, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous, Writing | Tags: Anthony Weiner, Brett Favre, Geraldo Rivera, Loch Ness Monster, Pancho Villa 9 CommentsIn a sure sign of the impending apocalypse, a flurry of groin-centric celebrity selfies has recently hit the Internet.
Attention, men of Earth: Unless your name rhymes with Rent Treznor or Tanning Baitum, no one wants to see your sexy self-portraiture.
Last week, 70-year-old Geraldo Rivera drunk-tweeted a picture of himself wearing nothing but hippie glasses and a dangerously low-slung towel.
Pancho Villa’s corpse has surprisingly tight abs.
Then, of course, there are the many moods of Carlos Danger, AKA Anthony Weiner — who shrewdly sent wang pics to some rando girl who looks like the night manager of an Applebee’s.
To keep things SFW, I’ve artfully obscured Little Carlos with the Loch Ness Monster.
And finally, the grand-daddy of all celebrity crotch shots: Mr. Brett Favre, a man so arrogant and lazy, he notoriously couldn’t even be bothered to remove his hideous Crocs while sexting.
.
There’s no way I’m posting anything that gross. And by that, I mean the Crocs.
In summary: This has never worked in the history of EVER. If you want to arouse a girl, send her a picture of yourself rescuing puppies from a fire — you will be on the bus to Poundtown before you know it. You’re welcome.
Man-Weasel Mystery, AKA Gef the Talking Mongoose
Posted: July 27, 2013 Filed under: Writing 4 CommentsThis is a reported cryptozoology case from the 1930s that is very intriguing. On the small Isle of Man, just off the coast of England, a family reported that their home was inhabited by a talking mongoose. His name was Gef and — while few people ever saw him — enough local folks and investigators heard him to create a media sensation. Noted parapsychology researcher Harry Price actually lived with the family for a few weeks and documented the case in his book The Haunting of Cashen’s Gap. The case has never been solved and continues to fascinate paranormal researchers (okay, just me) to this day.
“Man-Weasel” is another one of Anthony Weiner’s sexting pseudonyms.
No Faint Hearts in Fort Worth... 
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