Haunted B&B: Come for the Ghosts, Stay for the Sex Demon

The Ancient Ram Inn, a 12th-century B&B located in the U.K., is considered to be one of the most haunted sites in England, according to the owners. Not only is it home to more than 20 ghosts, the Inn (which was built on top of the obligatory pagan graveyard) also claims to have its own sex demon that likes to get its freak on with the guests.

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Gene: “Did someone say SEX DEMON?!?” *Does terrifying geriatric movements with his tongue*

Me: “Will someone please escort Mr. Simmons back to the home? It’s almost time for Matlock.” 

Do you have to pay extra for the demon sex? Please tell me there’s at least an established safe word.

sex demon

Kimaris the Corruptor: “Do I make you horny, baby?” *bad Austin Powers impression*

Female Guest: “ZEBRA! I repeat: ZEBRA!” 


Ghost Burglar Hits Liquor Store

Patrons of an Alabama liquor store were recently surprised to see a man dressed in a ghost costume, i.e., a bed sheet with poorly placed holes, run into the establishment. He did a lap around the store and then fled without stealing anything because his costume kept falling over his eyes. So…… clearly a master criminal. Ghost burglar

He’s looking for BOO-OOOOOZE! 

Note: Since this happened in Alabama, there’s a chance that this mystery man wearing a sheet may just be a profoundly retarded Ku Klux Klan member, i.e., all of them.

You have to hand it to the guy. What he lacks in criminal cunning, he makes up for in undisputed disguise hilarity. Tune in next week when Captain Thought Process up there tries to rob a Denny’s dressed in a leopard-print catsuit and a blindfold.

 

 


Who ya gonna call? Ghostbusters! (Also, me.)

Very excited to be taking my first paranormal investigation class today! Taught by the owner of Fort Worth Ghost Tours, the workshop will discuss the basics of ghost-hunting and feature demonstrations on how to use the basic tools of the trade (K-2 meters, EVP recorders, etc.)

So, if you want to know if your house is haunted, call me. I will put my crack paranormal investigative skills to work. If you’ve got ghosts, it will be confirmed by me running away screaming in a very professional manner.

Scooby running scared

Bravery: It’s overrated.  


Get Ready for Ghost Shark!

Everyone set their DVRs for the world premiere of Ghost Shark at 8 p.m. CST Thursday on the SyFy Channel. In a move that promised to make Sharknado look like a guppy caught in a wind tunnel, Ghost Shark features the undeniable genius of people being haunted/eaten by a ghostly Great White. I am also thrilled to announce that Friend of the Blog and actor extraordinaire Tim Taylor stars in Ghost Shark as Deputy Hendricks. (It also features the guy who played Bull on Night Court.)  But mainly Tim, who you may also know from an obscure little indie film called The Hunger Games. Will Tim get eaten by the Ghost Shark? Will he return for the sequel, presumably titled Return of Ghost Shark: Back for the Halibut?  You’ll have to tune in to find out.  For info on Tim, check out his website here.

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A fat kid rides a Slip N Slide straight into the jaws of Ghost Shark. Because awesome. 

Shark Stabbing WTF

To my knowledge, this is not a scene from Ghost Shark, but a photo that I found when I googled “Ghost” and “Shark.” Perhaps it’s a still from SyFy’s upcoming film SuicidalSharkMan: Nobody’s Chum.

(Seriously, though… what the HELL?) 


Ghost Adventures is Fake? I Am Shocked!

Said no one ever. 

Paranormal researchers are up in arms about Ghost Adventures, claiming that the show is fake. It features three muscle-bound asshats going to “haunted” locations to heckle the spirit world. They try to embarrass the ghosts into appearing by yelling things like “Are you scared of me?” and “Don’t be such a pussy!”  Because the dead are definitely worried about their street cred.

Understandably, the ghosts never appear so you end up watching 40 minutes of douchebags in Ed Hardy shirts and laughable belt buckles (see below) bellowing threats at nothing.

Sadly, they’ve pulled this routine at the site of some very tragic incidents, such as the Villisca Axe Murder house. Even if they died 100 years ago, I still think it’s still in bad taste to tell dead people  to “suck it.”

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Bravely taunting thin air since 2008. Hellz yeah! 


For Sale By Owner: Mr. G.M. Reaper

TotesNotHaunted

Seems legit. 


Who ya gonna call? This guy.

Almost forgot the absolutely COOLEST booth at the Granbury Paranormal Convention: the DFW Ghostbusters! These guys are a non-profit group of cosplay Ghostbuster fans  “dedicated to dealing with ghosts, goblins and the undead, all while raising money to help those in need and give back to the community.” So, they get to dress up like characters from one of the best movies ever AND use their powers to raise money for charity? It doesn’t get any better than this. Bad Ass Bob

I didn’t catch his first name, so we’re going to call him Bob. Bad Ass Bob.

Bob here had a table of dead-on replicas of props from Ghostbusters, which – unfortunately – are not for sale.

Trap

Don’t look directly into the trap. 

Don't Cross the Streams!

Seriously, does he not look AWESOME? And kind of hot? (Full disclosure: I may or may not have a jumpsuit fetish.) 

Special thanks to FOB Martin Bravo, of Paranologies.com, for sending these pics. You can see more of Martin’s beautiful photography on his FB page here.

 

Paranormal (Sexual) Activity

Ghost hunters beware! You may get more than you bargained for while trying to catch a ghost on tape.

An Australian ghost buff recently set up cameras in his kitchen, hoping to catch some paranormal activity on film. When he reviewed the tape, there was lots of moaning and wailing going on. Unfortunately for him, it was not the spooky kind. Instead, he found footage of his 16-year-old son having sex with the man’s 28-year-old girlfriend.

There were no scary skeletons involved, but someone was definitely getting boned. Har! Tip your waitstaff. I’ll be here all week…

Crush-Ghost-Sex

Ghost sex: On the plus side, they’re always stiff. On the downside, it’s hell getting ectoplasm out of the sheets. 


My New Ghosthunting Shirt Came With Instructions

Just got my new paranormal investigator shirt in the mail. Although I have yet to make a terrified sprint  from an investigation site, I’m sure that day will arrive. Thankfully, the back of my shirt is already prepared for the occasion. (See below – LOL.)

And if you DO happen to see a bunch of ghost hunters running from an abandoned building in the middle of the night (you’ll know us by the K2 meters in our hands and the look of panic on our faces), it is probably best to RUN.

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I don’t have to run fast. I just have to run faster than you. 


DISAPPOINTED!

If you’ve seen “A Fish Called Wanda” you know that one of the funniest bits is when Kevin Kline’s near-psychotic jewel thief gets upset about something and repeatedly yells: “DISAPPOINTED!” (Trust me, it’s funny.)

Well, that is how I felt on Saturday. I went with a local paranormal group to tour the Top o’ The Hills Terrace (which is now a Baptist college). Since it was with a paranormal research group, I naturally assumed that we would be allowed to set up our ghost hunting equipment and lurk about. (The grounds were home to an illegal casino in the 30s and 40s and several murders supposedly took place at that time.)

I should have known I was screwed when our tour guide proudly announced that she was so staunchly religious that she’s never allowed a deck of cards into her home. No way was she going to let us set EVP recorders in the middle of her Baptist College. And I’d taken the tour before, so it was a total waste of time.

However, the main building is fascinating. When it was a casino, the owner had secret rooms and tunnels leading outside built into the structure. If there was a police raid on the casino, the gambling equipment was shoved into a secret room and the guests were hustled through the secret tunnels outside to the tea garden, where food and drinks were planted. Genius!

The college built up the floors of the main building during renovations, so the two secret tunnels that have been discovered are located about four feet below the current floor. Below are pics of the two tunnels. (Rumor has it that there are more to be discovered.) These tunnels were spooky (particularly the second one) and I’d love to get in there with some ghostbusting equipment. *Sigh*

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I like how the secret passageway has very stylish tile flooring. Nothing but the best for illegal gamblers!

Secret Tunnel 2

Gruesome Fun Fact: This tunnel is located behind the kitchen and leads out into brush behind the building.  During the casino’s heyday, the land surrounding it was very rural and home to several pig farms. According to witnesses, dead bodies were sometimes taken out through this tunnel and then fed to the local pigs. Effective but seriously gross.