Mysterious Stones Cause Spontaneous Trouser Combustion in Brazil

A fisherman in Brazil was recently hospitalized with burns in his stranger danger zone after some odd-looking stones that he had picked up on the beach burst into flames in his pants pocket. Must. Not. Make. Hot Dog. Joke.

And he’s not the only one. A San Diego woman suffered a similar fate last year, when she picked up some greenish-orange rocks on an American beach.

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Do not store near genitals.

Despite government notices to the contrary, one theory is that these are radioactive fragments washing up from the destroyed Fukushima nuclear plant in the aftermath of the  2011 tsunami in Japan. So… radioactive waste from Japan possibly bobbing around in the ocean. Why does this sound familiar?

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I’m on the Atkins Diet. I only eat people named Atkins. 


Happy 66th Roswell Anniversary!

Today marks the 66th anniversary of the Roswell Incident of 1947, the most famous UFO crash in history. I’m proud to report that Fort Worth played a big part in this event, which continues to fascinate both hardcore MUFON members and the general public.

Several days after the crash, mangled wreckage from the debris field in Roswell was reportedly routed to Carswell Air Force Base here in Fort Worth before being sent on for permanent storage/rumored reverse engineering at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in Ohio. In fact, the most iconic photo from the event was taken at Carswell by a Fort Worth Star-Telegram newspaper reporter.

According to numerous sources, Roswell crash eyewitness Major Jesse Marcel was flown to Fort Worth and forced to pose with the tattered remains of a weather balloon to bolster the military’s cover story after they recanted their initial press release of a downed UFO.

Jesse Marcel Sr at Carswell

“Seriously, guys? No, for reals — seriously?”  

I don’t what really happened on that hot, stormy July evening so many years ago, but I am sure of one thing: it was not a weather balloon. I’ve been to Roswell, people… I’ve seen things*.

* Things I’ve seen in Roswell include: morbidly obese German tourists, dogs in space alien costumes, men wearing tinfoil hats non-ironically and enough wild-eyed conspiracy theorists to fill an X-Files convention. Also, convincing evidence of some kind of government cover-up. But mostly the tinfoil-hat dudes. 


Somewhere In Springfield, Homer Simpson Has a Massive Boner…

Introducing the Cronut, a half-donut/half-croissant hybrid that goes for $5 a pop in Manhattan and is selling on Craig’s List for $40 a piece. Chef/inventor Dominique Ansel refuses to divulge an exact calorie count but admits that it’s extremely high due to massive amounts of butter and cream that he injects into the layers with a syringe-like pastry tip before he deep-fries it.

Just look at it below, flaunting its sweet glazed decadence like a depraved Little Debbie. You’re mentally jamming your tongue into this right now, aren’t you?

I know I am.

ImageTechnically not porn. 


It’s Been A Long Time, I Shouldn’t Have Left You…

without a dope beat to step to. (Timabaland: “I knew Aaliyah.You, madame, are no Aaliyah.”)

My computer has been in the shop so I’ve not been able to deliver the bizarre sea monster and Elvis stories you’ve come to know and love. However, I’m online now and back in the vagina joke business. And cousin…  bidness is booming.

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Kang: “Finally! We must celebrate.”

Kodos: “Agreed, brother. Break out the tentacle lube.”