The Real Reason We Can’t Find Bigfoot

Hide and Seek Champion


Dear Santa: Suck It

I’m a simple woman. I only asked Santa for a few small things this year: eternal youth, world domination and this UFO detector. (Click here to see it; SO snazzy and it’s getting great reviews on Amazon.com, including this one from someone who is definitely not an alien.)

I knew I was chancing it on the youth and world domination requests, but I felt certain that someone would buy me the UFO detector. I mean, c’mon… it even got a sterling review from the peerless George Takei (AKA Sulu from Star Trek.) Just look at this oiled blue steel beauty:

UFO Detector

For a 20% discount, don’t forget to use the code THECIAISTOTESNOTTRACKINGTHESEPLEASESPEAKDIRECTLYINTOTHESWIRLYTHING

But did I get one? No! It’s like Santa doesn’t even know me at all.

Screw the holidays. I am converting to Jediism. Maybe next year I’ll at least get a goddamned light saber.


The Lady and the Box: A UFO Story from 1803 Japan

One of Japan’s most famous UFO stories focuses on a mysterious craft that washed ashore in 1803 on a beach in the Hitachi province. The craft was described as a circular, saucer-shaped boat; drawings of the object from that time period look very similar to modern-day UFO descriptions. 

Utsuro Bune 1

It’s either a UFO or a bedazzled mushroom – your call. 

The ship’s interior featured mysterious symbols and its sole inhabitant was described as an incredibly beautiful young woman.

Utsuro Bune 2

Beauty standards were subjective in those days, as Little Miss Perry Mason up there clearly demonstrates. 

The girl spoke in an unknown language and cradled a wooden box that she guarded tenaciously. The fishermen assumed that the box held the severed head of her lover, but modern UFO scholars discount this theory because the box depicted  is not the right shape. The fishermen eventually pushed the girl and the mysterious ship back into the ocean. 

And my takeaway from this unusual story was not “Wow, could those be the earliest illustrations of UFOs ever made?”  but rather “So they had boxes in feudal Japan specifically designed for severed head storage?”

Utsure Bune cropped

Glad Zip Lock Head Boxes: No more freezer burn on those sideburns.   
 


Leaked Email from Westboro Baptist Church re: Picketing Paul Walker’s Funeral

The good people at Funny or Die have posted an email leaked by the ever-charming members of Westboro Baptist Church (WBC). It details their upcoming plans to picket actor Paul Walker’s funeral. Enjoy.

http://www.funnyordie.com/articles/a4850f8ceb/leaked-email-from-westboro-baptist-church-about-picketing-paul-walker-s-funeral

Westboro Dancer

God bless this hilarious… pink fishnnet devil dancer? Not sure what look he’s going for, but well done all the same. ($20 says at least one of the WBC boys got a ginormous boner from this.)

Thanks to FOB Jennifer Malone for sending!


Thanksgiving UFO Sighted in Fort Worth

That would be a Unidentified Fowl Object, i.e., the turkey veggie platter I made for Thanksgiving this year. I saw it on Pinterest, the crafty crack cocaine of the Interwebs,

Turkey Veggie Tray

I am obsessed with Pinterest; I may need a Pintervention

And if space creatures were on the fence about whether or not to take over the planet, the following clip of a Black Friday riot at Wal-Mart will convince them that we’re a terrible species in need of alien overlords. Please note that the lady being arrested for assault never loosens her death grip on that TV, even when the hot Channing Tatum-esque cops tries to cuff her.

The true meaning of Christmas: choking out your fellow man for a 32″ flat-screen. God bless us everyone.


The Odd Gifts of Ingo Swann

Ingo Swann, who worked with the CIA in the 1970’s to spy on Russia via remote viewing and co-created the agency’s Stargate Project, died earlier this year. Famous for powerful psychic abilities and government-funded parapsychology experiments, his life story reads like a Fringe script. Except weirder.

Swann’s life was a paradox. Believing that his psychic/telekinetic powers were a natural ability, he decried the mystical  trappings surrounding the field and encouraged rational study of the subject. And to prove his power, Ingo famously announced the existence of planetary rings around the planet Jupiter in 1973 — six years before the Voyager probe confirmed his findings.

However, no matter how hard he worked to make parapsychology seem legitimate, Ingo’s tireless and profound eccentricity cancelled out the effort. Scientists tend to not take you seriously when you spend your down time creating impossibly cheesy “psychic” art  and claiming to have had sexy encounters with a lady space alien in your autobiography, which has the in-no-way-deranged title: “Penetration: The Question of Extraterrestrial and Human Telepathy.”

So, basically it’s a draw. Thanks for nothing, Ingo.

Ingo Swann Book Cover

Pictured: Credibility. 

 


Speaking of Sex Demons…

Inner Demons

Just kidding. I hate to cuddle. 


Bad (Ass) Grandpa

After a hungry bear attacked, an 80-year-old Russian shepherd did what any typical octogenarian would do — he promptly got eaten. No, I kid. This happened in Russia, where bears are tough and the grandpas are even tougher. Yusuf Alchagirov immediately headbutted the bear and kicked it until it fell over.  Humiliated in front of the other bears, the beast tossed the old man off a cliff and sauntered away, trying to look casual. And Yusuf brushed himself off, popped into the hospital for a check-up and then continued his day job of shepherding the hell out of some sheep.

So after kicking a bear’s ass and being THROWN OFF A CLIFF, Yusuf went back to living in his tiny Russian village, presumably where he sleeps on a large bed of money and naked Victoria’s Secret models.

Russian Shepherd

Luckily, the fall was broken by his giant balls. 


Vaya Con Dios, Edna Krabappel

Brilliant actress Marcia Wallace – best known as the voice of cynical teacher Edna Krabappel on The Simpsons – passed away from cancer last week at the age of 70. In tribute, Fox is running a classic Edna episode called “The Ned-liest Catch” tonight at 6:30 p.m. (CST) as the lead-in to tonight’s new Simpsons episode. 

Fox was originally planning to run an episode from Season 3, in which Bart pranks a lonely Mrs, Krabappel after she places an ad in the Lonely Hearts section of the newspaper. (For our younger readers, this was the 90’s version of plentyoffish.com.) It’s a really sweet episode, notwithstanding Homer’s idea of a sensitive romantic letdown letter: “Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You.”

However, due to “technical difficulties”, they are instead running a happier episode where Edna gets suspended from her teaching job but starts dating Ned Flanders. Ned, as longtime viewers know, is surprisingly hot underneath the nerdy church guy persona. (Note: I may or may not have a thing for a cartoon character. At least it’s not tentacle hentai.)

Edna Krabappel Sexy

Homer: “Does this mean that Mrs. Krabappel is a virgin, too?” Edna: “HA!” 


Did Hitler Escape to Argentina in 1945? Is There a UFO Connection? Could This Headline Get Any Weirder?

The authors of Grey Wolf: The Escape of Adolf Hitler claim to have proof that der Fuhrer and Eva Braun escaped their Berlin bunker and fled by submarine to Argentina in 1945. This impressively nutty conspiracy theory outlines a plot in which the U.S. military turned a blind eye to the escape in exchange for access to advanced Nazi military technology.

The creepy part is that UFO conspiracy theorists have long held that the U.S. government gave a pass to Nazi scientists (like Wernher von Braun, AKA: the “Father of Rocket Technology”) so they could work for NASA to help the U.S. beat the Russians in the Space Race. (Supposedly the German military had gained secret rocket technology from reverse-engineering a UFO that crashed in a German forest near Frieberg in 1936.) So, that part of the story actually kind of rings true. And Joseph Stalin famously believed that Hitler escaped to South America, telling  the Allies (including President Truman) as much at the Potsdam Conference of 1945.

How ghastly would it be if the whole thing was valid? Due to superior Nazi UFO knowledge, did the most evil man in history get to live out his golden years in an Argentine village?

Melted Nazi Suprise

The villagers were surprised by kindly old Herr Smith’s reaction to holy water.