Behold The World’s Most Terrifying Adopt-a-Highway Campaign
Posted: July 19, 2013 Filed under: Writing 4 CommentsA group of New York Satanists is petitioning the state to let them adopt a stretch of highway. (Please note that I am not making any Highway to Hell jokes here. It’s too easy.) They’ve set up an indiegogo page to raise the money they need. They also hired someone — I am guessing Rob Zombie — to film the CREEPIEST highway campaign ad ever.
It’s either us or the Rotary Club.
Re-blog, baby!
Posted: July 10, 2013 Filed under: Writing 2 CommentsCheck it out, ya’ll. Anthony, of Manchester School of Samba in England, re-blogged my “Mysterious Stones Cause Spontaneous Trouser Combustion” story on his blog, msamba.
So awesome. Go check out his blog if you get a chance — it’s very cool.
Also want to recognize FOB/PIC Kevin Pendergraft as the latest person to sign up to follow No Faint Hearts. Thanks for the follow, KP. Please keep those awesome Wolfcop-esque emails coming.
I can’t top that Dirty Harry joke.
Happy 66th Roswell Anniversary!
Posted: July 8, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous, Nerd HQ, Writing | Tags: Carswell Air Force Base, Fort Worth Star-Telegram, Roswell, Roswell 66th anniversary, Roswell UFO incident, UFO, Unidentified flying object, Wright-Patterson Air Force Base 4 CommentsToday marks the 66th anniversary of the Roswell Incident of 1947, the most famous UFO crash in history. I’m proud to report that Fort Worth played a big part in this event, which continues to fascinate both hardcore MUFON members and the general public.
Several days after the crash, mangled wreckage from the debris field in Roswell was reportedly routed to Carswell Air Force Base here in Fort Worth before being sent on for permanent storage/rumored reverse engineering at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in Ohio. In fact, the most iconic photo from the event was taken at Carswell by a Fort Worth Star-Telegram newspaper reporter.
According to numerous sources, Roswell crash eyewitness Major Jesse Marcel was flown to Fort Worth and forced to pose with the tattered remains of a weather balloon to bolster the military’s cover story after they recanted their initial press release of a downed UFO.
“Seriously, guys? No, for reals — seriously?”
I don’t what really happened on that hot, stormy July evening so many years ago, but I am sure of one thing: it was not a weather balloon. I’ve been to Roswell, people… I’ve seen things*.
* Things I’ve seen in Roswell include: morbidly obese German tourists, dogs in space alien costumes, men wearing tinfoil hats non-ironically and enough wild-eyed conspiracy theorists to fill an X-Files convention. Also, convincing evidence of some kind of government cover-up. But mostly the tinfoil-hat dudes.
It’s Been A Long Time, I Shouldn’t Have Left You…
Posted: July 4, 2013 Filed under: Writing 4 Commentswithout a dope beat to step to. (Timabaland: “I knew Aaliyah.You, madame, are no Aaliyah.”)
My computer has been in the shop so I’ve not been able to deliver the bizarre sea monster and Elvis stories you’ve come to know and love. However, I’m online now and back in the vagina joke business. And cousin… bidness is booming.
Kang: “Finally! We must celebrate.”
Kodos: “Agreed, brother. Break out the tentacle lube.”
Prepare To Waste At Least Two Hours On This
Posted: June 25, 2013 Filed under: Writing Leave a commentConsider yourself warned. This series on YouTube called Honest Trailers is hilarious and fairly addictive. Start here with The Avengers.
These are so funny that you can easily find yourself sucked into watching them for hours. Be sure watch the ones for Lord of the Rings (featuring convenient ghost armies) and Skyfall, starring my baby daddy Daniel Craig.
It’s true and he’s got the scars to prove it.
New Nine Inch Nails Song — “Came Back Haunted”
Posted: June 7, 2013 Filed under: Writing | Tags: Came Back Haunted, Hesitation Marks, Nine Inch Nails 2 CommentsIn anticipation of the new NIN album “Hesitation Marks” – which drops in September – Trent has released the first single “Came Back Haunted.” You can listen to it here.
It’s hard and fast and sounds a bit like “Survivalism.” Love it. Can’t wait to hear the rest of the album.
BTW, “hesitation marks” are the shallow, initial test cuts usually found near the fatal wounds on a suicide victim who slashes their wrists or throat. Clearly Trent’s still the upbeat, happy-go-lucky artist we all know and love.
This is my happy face. Wait, is there something behind me?
Best of Fort Worth: The Mambo Taxi
Posted: May 7, 2013 Filed under: Writing | Tags: Best of Fort Worth, Fort Worth, Mambo Taxi, Mi Cocina 2 CommentsOkay, so far the blog’s been about ghosts, secret tunnels, Bigfoot and Star Wars. Everything but Fort Worth, right? Allow me to rectify this situation.
The best cocktail available in Fort Worth is, hands down, the fabulous Mambo Taxi from Mi Cocina. It tastes like margarita, sangria and a little bit of heaven all swirled into one glass of frosty goodness. There’s also a version called the Mambo Limousine but that’s just a Mambo Taxi in a bigger glass. Trust me, you’re going to want to go with the Taxi. These things are potent. Mi Cocina also has amazing salsa, but I digress.
Behold, the King of Cowtown Cocktails: the magnificent Mambo Taxi.
I think it’s called a Mambo Taxi because you have to call a cab if you drink more than two.
Kang: That was only moderately funny at best.
Kodos: Agreed. We shall activate the Destructo-Ray…. right after some final probing. Quick, locate the one they call Justin Bieber.
Holotka the Cougar
Posted: April 26, 2013 Filed under: Writing | Tags: Auto-Tune, Bitch It Up, Cougar, Holotka 2 CommentsLike a menopausal Rebecca Black with money to burn and a staggering amount of self-confidence, a new singer called Holotka the Cougar has burst onto the musical scene. I am simultaneously terrified and inspired by this video. Please to enjoy the overly auto-tuned musical stylings of her NSFW song “Bitch It Up.”
Note: Though absolutely TERRIBLE, this song is diabolically catchy. Consider yourself warned.
I don’t understand why they keep kicking me out of Forever 21.
So a 325-Pound Transvestite Walks Into A Bar…
Posted: April 16, 2013 Filed under: Writing Leave a commentNot really. He actually broke into a sex shop, where the security cameras recorded him as he proceeded to experiment with the toys and — as you do, if you are a big, manly burglar — try on various pieces of lingerie and ladies’ wigs. For reals. This is him:
So, no matter how much lingerie and wigs he managed to squeeze himself into: LEAST CONVINCING DRAG QUEEN EVER.
Also, Captain Thought Process here was rounded up pretty easily after making his escape. Mainly because the security cameras that caught him dressing up like a naughty nurse and doing irreparable emotional damage to the detectives who had to watch the tape, also caught footage of the large tattoo on his back. That happened to spell out his last name.
The pretty ones are never very smart.
Fifty Shades of WTH?
Posted: April 10, 2013 Filed under: Writing 3 CommentsE.L. James (author of Twilight fanfic-turned-porn book series Fifty Shades of Grey) has announced that she is going to publish a How To guide for budding authors looking to turn their own slash fiction into bestsellers. It’s called “Fifty Shades of Grey: Inner Goddess (A Journal).”
I read the first book and the absolute worst part was the CONSTANT references to the main character’s Inner Goddess. Seriously, these are very poorly written and edited books. But they sold like crazy so prepare yourself for the next horny bestseller to be based completely on fanfic/slash fiction. I predict that it will feature a torrid tale of homoerotic passion between Deputy Dawg and Inspector Gadget.
Totally asking for it.
No Faint Hearts in Fort Worth... 
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