Sea Monster Alert: Giant Squid Caught Off Coast of Japan
Posted: January 16, 2014 Filed under: Bizarre, Cryptozoology | Tags: giant squid, Japan, Niigata Prefecture, Sadogashima Island, Shigenori Goto 2 CommentsA giant squid, weighing over 350 pounds, was recently netted by Shigenori Goto off Japan’s Sadogashima Island in Niigata Prefecture. Extremely rare, with eyes the size of basketballs and eight creepy tentacles, giant squids are thought to be the basis of sea monster legends throughout the centuries.
Code name: Calamari.
These nightmares of the sea can grow up to 60 feet long and have a giant beak, like a parrot. Inside that beak sits a tongue covered in jagged teeth. Because Nature is a terrifying bitch.
Who wants a kiss?
And, oh yeah… each tentacle features a razor-sharp hook.
Even Great White sharks are like: “Aw, hell naw.”
Plus, recent scientific studies indicate that giant squid intelligence is on the rise.
So I, for one, would like to be the first to welcome our new Squid Overlords. The cuttlefish buffet is right this way, your Tentacleness.
Seven-Foot Satan Statue In Oklahoma City? This Is Sure To End Well.
Posted: January 11, 2014 Filed under: Bizarre | Tags: Free Speech, Okies, Oklahoma, Oklahoma CIty, Satanic Statue, Satanists 4 CommentsA group of New York Satanists announced plans to erect a seven-foot-tall statue of Satan at the Oklahoma state Capitol building to protest the giant Ten Commandments statue that was built there in 2012.
Nope, nothing horrifying about this.
My Dad was from Oklahoma, so I know a few things about Okies. They like their guns loaded, their bibles thumped, and their Capitol buildings to be non-Satan-adjacent.
I’m all for free speech but if they put this thing up, it will last about week before someone shoots it, beheads it or converts it into a meth lab.
In summary: Good luck with this, Yankee infidels. This is TOTES a great idea that will in no way backfire whatsoever.
Dead Bigfoot Body Tour 2014: Take the Poll!
Posted: January 8, 2014 Filed under: Bigfoot, Bizarre, Cryptozoology | Tags: Bigfoot, Sasquatch 6 CommentsCryptozoologist Rick Dyer (star of a documentary called Shooting Bigfoot) was recently awarded the corpse of a Sasquatch he claims to have shot in San Antonio after winning a court battle with the film’s producers. He has announced the he will now tour the country with said corpse, charging curious visitors a fee to view the body of Bigfoot, AKA Biggie. (I’ve preemptively given him a nickname, in case we ever meet and be come BFFs — Beast Friends 4EVA.)
Kenny Rogers has really let himself go.
Dyer has a lot of critics in the Squatch community, who claim that he’s a shyster. Regardless of the facts, if the Dead Bigfoot Body Tour comes to Fort Worth, I am there like underwear.
Fishy Man-Goat Monster AKA: The Goat-Man of Lake Worth
Posted: January 3, 2014 Filed under: Bigfoot, Cryptozoology | Tags: Fishy Man-Goat, Fort Worth monster, Ghost of Greer Island, Greer Island, Lake Worth, Lake Worth Monster, Lake Worth Monster Reportedly, Watch Monster Cavort, Witnesses Watch Monster Cavort Leave a commentIn July 1969, Fort Worth residents woke up to a startling article in the Fort Worth Star-Telegram: “Fishy Man-Goat Terrifies Couples Parked at Lake Worth.” The editors had a field day with the story for the rest of the week, coming up with headlines like “Lake Worth Monster Reportedly Furry, Scaly,”“Ghost of Greer Island” and — my hands-down favorite — “Witnesses Watch Monster Cavort.”
The Goat-Man made his first appearance when he menaced three young couples parked near Greer Island at Lake Worth. The terrified teenagers described it as half-man/half-goat to the police.
“Hey, kids… can I interest you in a detour onto the three-way freeway?”
Stay tuned for Part 2, in which pranksters claim to be the monster (i.e., the Scooby Doo protocol) but witnesses insist they saw a real creature, and unsavory rumors circulate about the Goat-Man’s parentage.
To find out more about the Lake Worth Monster, set your DVRs to record Monsters and Mysteries in America on the Destination America channel tomorrow night to catch Star-Telegram Columnist/Friend of the Blog (FOB) Bud Kennedy discussing the finer points of fishy goat-men.
Dear Santa: Suck It
Posted: December 26, 2013 Filed under: Bizarre, Miscellaneous, Nerd HQ, UFOs | Tags: Amazon.com, CIA, GeorgeTakei, MUFON, Star Trek, UFO Detector Leave a commentI’m a simple woman. I only asked Santa for a few small things this year: eternal youth, world domination and this UFO detector. (Click here to see it; SO snazzy and it’s getting great reviews on Amazon.com, including this one from someone who is definitely not an alien.)
I knew I was chancing it on the youth and world domination requests, but I felt certain that someone would buy me the UFO detector. I mean, c’mon… it even got a sterling review from the peerless George Takei (AKA Sulu from Star Trek.) Just look at this oiled blue steel beauty:
For a 20% discount, don’t forget to use the code THECIAISTOTESNOTTRACKINGTHESEPLEASESPEAKDIRECTLYINTOTHESWIRLYTHING
But did I get one? No! It’s like Santa doesn’t even know me at all.
Screw the holidays. I am converting to Jediism. Maybe next year I’ll at least get a goddamned light saber.
The Lady and the Box: A UFO Story from 1803 Japan
Posted: December 11, 2013 Filed under: Bizarre, Miscellaneous, Nerd HQ Leave a commentOne of Japan’s most famous UFO stories focuses on a mysterious craft that washed ashore in 1803 on a beach in the Hitachi province. The craft was described as a circular, saucer-shaped boat; drawings of the object from that time period look very similar to modern-day UFO descriptions.
It’s either a UFO or a bedazzled mushroom – your call.
The ship’s interior featured mysterious symbols and its sole inhabitant was described as an incredibly beautiful young woman.
Beauty standards were subjective in those days, as Little Miss Perry Mason up there clearly demonstrates.
The girl spoke in an unknown language and cradled a wooden box that she guarded tenaciously. The fishermen assumed that the box held the severed head of her lover, but modern UFO scholars discount this theory because the box depicted is not the right shape. The fishermen eventually pushed the girl and the mysterious ship back into the ocean.
And my takeaway from this unusual story was not “Wow, could those be the earliest illustrations of UFOs ever made?” but rather “So they had boxes in feudal Japan specifically designed for severed head storage?”
Glad Zip Lock Head Boxes: No more freezer burn on those sideburns.
Leaked Email from Westboro Baptist Church re: Picketing Paul Walker’s Funeral
Posted: December 5, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous, Writing | Tags: #CrackerAssCrackers, #PicketFuneral, Fast & Furious, Paul Walker, Westboro Baptist Church Leave a commentThe good people at Funny or Die have posted an email leaked by the ever-charming members of Westboro Baptist Church (WBC). It details their upcoming plans to picket actor Paul Walker’s funeral. Enjoy.
God bless this hilarious… pink fishnnet devil dancer? Not sure what look he’s going for, but well done all the same. ($20 says at least one of the WBC boys got a ginormous boner from this.)
Thanks to FOB Jennifer Malone for sending!
Thanksgiving UFO Sighted in Fort Worth
Posted: November 30, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous | Tags: Black Friday, Pinterest, Turkey veggie tray, Walmart Leave a commentThat would be a Unidentified Fowl Object, i.e., the turkey veggie platter I made for Thanksgiving this year. I saw it on Pinterest, the crafty crack cocaine of the Interwebs,
I am obsessed with Pinterest; I may need a Pintervention.
And if space creatures were on the fence about whether or not to take over the planet, the following clip of a Black Friday riot at Wal-Mart will convince them that we’re a terrible species in need of alien overlords. Please note that the lady being arrested for assault never loosens her death grip on that TV, even when the hot Channing Tatum-esque cops tries to cuff her.
The true meaning of Christmas: choking out your fellow man for a 32″ flat-screen. God bless us everyone.
No Faint Hearts in Fort Worth... 
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