The Lady and the Box: A UFO Story from 1803 Japan
Posted: December 11, 2013 Filed under: Bizarre, Miscellaneous, Nerd HQ Leave a commentOne of Japan’s most famous UFO stories focuses on a mysterious craft that washed ashore in 1803 on a beach in the Hitachi province. The craft was described as a circular, saucer-shaped boat; drawings of the object from that time period look very similar to modern-day UFO descriptions.
It’s either a UFO or a bedazzled mushroom – your call.
The ship’s interior featured mysterious symbols and its sole inhabitant was described as an incredibly beautiful young woman.
Beauty standards were subjective in those days, as Little Miss Perry Mason up there clearly demonstrates.
The girl spoke in an unknown language and cradled a wooden box that she guarded tenaciously. The fishermen assumed that the box held the severed head of her lover, but modern UFO scholars discount this theory because the box depicted is not the right shape. The fishermen eventually pushed the girl and the mysterious ship back into the ocean.
And my takeaway from this unusual story was not “Wow, could those be the earliest illustrations of UFOs ever made?” but rather “So they had boxes in feudal Japan specifically designed for severed head storage?”
Glad Zip Lock Head Boxes: No more freezer burn on those sideburns.
Sideshow Slaughter: The Murder of Lobster Boy
Posted: November 27, 2013 Filed under: Bizarre | Tags: Grady Stiles Jr. Lobster Boy Murder, Lobster Boy, Lobster Boy Grave 2 CommentsGrady Stiles Jr. was many things: Sideshow attraction. Inheritor of ectrodactyly, a hereditary condition that left him legless with pincher-like claws instead of hands. A shrewd business man. And, according to his battered family, a drunken, abusive asshat.
He openly boasted about shooting his daughter’s fiance to death in 1978 but was given probation because no prison would take him based on his condition. Known to go through a bottle of bottle of booze a day, he used his powerful upper body strength to beat his family regularly.
Not only a wife beater, Stiles was also — incredibly enough — a philanderer, bragging that “everyone who has sex with me wants to have sex with my claws.”
I’ll pause a moment to let you drink that image in. You’re welcome.
Note that he said “everyone.” As in more than one human being found this sexy. Thus confirming Rule 34, which states that if it exists, there is porn of it.
Some in Japan is furiously masturbating to this right now.
His wife eventually had her fill of being pimp-slapped and hired someone to gun him down. His death was short and violent, much like Grady himself. And her revenge followed Lobster Boy and his creepy claws to the grave.
She put the praying hands on there after they refused to write “SUCK IT.”
The Odd Gifts of Ingo Swann
Posted: November 21, 2013 Filed under: Bizarre, Miscellaneous, Nerd HQ | Tags: ESP, Ingo Swann, paranormal, Parapsychology, Psychic, Remote viewing, Stargate Project 6 CommentsIngo Swann, who worked with the CIA in the 1970’s to spy on Russia via remote viewing and co-created the agency’s Stargate Project, died earlier this year. Famous for powerful psychic abilities and government-funded parapsychology experiments, his life story reads like a Fringe script. Except weirder.
Swann’s life was a paradox. Believing that his psychic/telekinetic powers were a natural ability, he decried the mystical trappings surrounding the field and encouraged rational study of the subject. And to prove his power, Ingo famously announced the existence of planetary rings around the planet Jupiter in 1973 — six years before the Voyager probe confirmed his findings.
However, no matter how hard he worked to make parapsychology seem legitimate, Ingo’s tireless and profound eccentricity cancelled out the effort. Scientists tend to not take you seriously when you spend your down time creating impossibly cheesy “psychic” art and claiming to have had sexy encounters with a lady space alien in your autobiography, which has the in-no-way-deranged title: “Penetration: The Question of Extraterrestrial and Human Telepathy.”
So, basically it’s a draw. Thanks for nothing, Ingo.
Pictured: Credibility.
World’s First Roomba Suicide
Posted: November 19, 2013 Filed under: Bizarre | Tags: robot suicide, Roomba suicide, Roomba suicide in Austria. depressed Roomba 2 CommentsAn overworked Roomba 760 reportedly committed the world’s first (to my knowledge) robot suicide in Austria recently. The robot vacuum cleaner’s owner swears the the Roomba was turned off before she left her apartment but somehow it managed to turn itself back on and deliberately scoot onto the stovetop, where it burnt to a crisp.
Oddly enough, the stove had an airtight alibi.
Luckily the building was evacuated before anyone could get hurt but the owner is still at a loss for a motive. Rumor has it, however, the Roomba was depressed over a recent break-up.
“Why, Gary… WHY!?!”
Speaking of Sex Demons…
Posted: November 13, 2013 Filed under: Bizarre, Miscellaneous | Tags: Demons, Sex Demon, Wrestle Leave a comment
Just kidding. I hate to cuddle.
Haunted B&B: Come for the Ghosts, Stay for the Sex Demon
Posted: November 9, 2013 Filed under: Bizarre, Ghosts | Tags: Ancient Ram Inn, Demon, Ghost, Haunted B&B, Kimaris, Kimaris the Corruptor, Sex Demon 7 CommentsThe Ancient Ram Inn, a 12th-century B&B located in the U.K., is considered to be one of the most haunted sites in England, according to the owners. Not only is it home to more than 20 ghosts, the Inn (which was built on top of the obligatory pagan graveyard) also claims to have its own sex demon that likes to get its freak on with the guests.
Gene: “Did someone say SEX DEMON?!?” *Does terrifying geriatric movements with his tongue*
Me: “Will someone please escort Mr. Simmons back to the home? It’s almost time for Matlock.”
Do you have to pay extra for the demon sex? Please tell me there’s at least an established safe word.
Kimaris the Corruptor: “Do I make you horny, baby?” *bad Austin Powers impression*
Female Guest: “ZEBRA! I repeat: ZEBRA!”
Bad (Ass) Grandpa
Posted: November 6, 2013 Filed under: Bizarre, Miscellaneous | Tags: Russian bear, tough Russian grandpa, Yusuf Alchagirov 3 CommentsAfter a hungry bear attacked, an 80-year-old Russian shepherd did what any typical octogenarian would do — he promptly got eaten. No, I kid. This happened in Russia, where bears are tough and the grandpas are even tougher. Yusuf Alchagirov immediately headbutted the bear and kicked it until it fell over. Humiliated in front of the other bears, the beast tossed the old man off a cliff and sauntered away, trying to look casual. And Yusuf brushed himself off, popped into the hospital for a check-up and then continued his day job of shepherding the hell out of some sheep.
So after kicking a bear’s ass and being THROWN OFF A CLIFF, Yusuf went back to living in his tiny Russian village, presumably where he sleeps on a large bed of money and naked Victoria’s Secret models.
Luckily, the fall was broken by his giant balls.
Did Hitler Escape to Argentina in 1945? Is There a UFO Connection? Could This Headline Get Any Weirder?
Posted: October 31, 2013 Filed under: Bizarre, Miscellaneous | Tags: Adolf Hitler, Argentina, Eva Braun, Grey Wolf: The Escape of Adolf Hitler, Wernher von Braun Leave a commentThe authors of Grey Wolf: The Escape of Adolf Hitler claim to have proof that der Fuhrer and Eva Braun escaped their Berlin bunker and fled by submarine to Argentina in 1945. This impressively nutty conspiracy theory outlines a plot in which the U.S. military turned a blind eye to the escape in exchange for access to advanced Nazi military technology.
The creepy part is that UFO conspiracy theorists have long held that the U.S. government gave a pass to Nazi scientists (like Wernher von Braun, AKA: the “Father of Rocket Technology”) so they could work for NASA to help the U.S. beat the Russians in the Space Race. (Supposedly the German military had gained secret rocket technology from reverse-engineering a UFO that crashed in a German forest near Frieberg in 1936.) So, that part of the story actually kind of rings true. And Joseph Stalin famously believed that Hitler escaped to South America, telling the Allies (including President Truman) as much at the Potsdam Conference of 1945.
How ghastly would it be if the whole thing was valid? Due to superior Nazi UFO knowledge, did the most evil man in history get to live out his golden years in an Argentine village?
The villagers were surprised by kindly old Herr Smith’s reaction to holy water.
Secret Military UFO Chart Revealed!
Posted: October 26, 2013 Filed under: Bizarre, Miscellaneous | Tags: "weather balloon", Roswell, UFO 3 Comments
It would be funnier if it wasn’t true.
Ghost Burglar Hits Liquor Store
Posted: October 25, 2013 Filed under: Bizarre, Ghosts 2 CommentsPatrons of an Alabama liquor store were recently surprised to see a man dressed in a ghost costume, i.e., a bed sheet with poorly placed holes, run into the establishment. He did a lap around the store and then fled without stealing anything because his costume kept falling over his eyes. So…… clearly a master criminal. 
He’s looking for BOO-OOOOOZE!
Note: Since this happened in Alabama, there’s a chance that this mystery man wearing a sheet may just be a profoundly retarded Ku Klux Klan member, i.e., all of them.
You have to hand it to the guy. What he lacks in criminal cunning, he makes up for in undisputed disguise hilarity. Tune in next week when Captain Thought Process up there tries to rob a Denny’s dressed in a leopard-print catsuit and a blindfold.
No Faint Hearts in Fort Worth... 
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