Secret Military UFO Chart Revealed!
Posted: October 26, 2013 Filed under: Bizarre, Miscellaneous | Tags: "weather balloon", Roswell, UFO 3 Comments
It would be funnier if it wasn’t true.
Come Back, Big Tex!
Posted: October 22, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous | Tags: 2013 Big Tex, Big Tex, creepy new Big Tex, New Big Tex, Texas State Fair 2013 2 CommentsI miss our old state fair mascot. This new version looks less like Big Tex and more like Rapey Will Rogers.
Howdy, ma’am! Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
It Sounds Better in German
Posted: October 17, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous, Writing | Tags: David Hasselhoff, German language 2 CommentsGerman is the non-nerd version of Klingon: a guttural language best used for barking orders at people and threatening Poland. However, it’s very good at one thing — effectively condensing a complex concept into a single useful word. Words like Schadenfraude (taking pleasure in other’s misery) and Handschuhschneeballwerfer (someone who wears gloves to throw snowballs.)
GreasieHoffenCrotcher?
Despite German’s legendary efficiency, there are still some situations that need a descriptor. So I’m throwing my tiny green hat into the semantic ring to come up with my own German efficiency words. Such as…
SkittleGrossen — purposely buying candy you hate to avoid eating it all before Halloween.
Marina: “Damn it! Patrick ate all the mini-Snickers I bought for the trick-or-treaters.”
Me: “You should have SkittleGrossened. I’m giving out circus peanuts and Clamato.”
Legend has it that these were once edible.
Druncle — the randy, drunk uncle who skeeves everyone out during the holidays with inappropriate topics.
Example
Me: “My druncle freaked us all out at Christmas by talking about his nipples. Again.”
Or wrestle with his shirt off.
BoozenKinder — the practice of making the presence of ill-behaved children more tolerable by pretending that they are tiny, inebriated adults.
Example
A small boy runs by, wearing his underpants like a mask and screeching “I’m a Batman! Wheeeeee!!!”
Me: “LOL. That guy is cut off. No more Jäger for you, Dakota!”
“I will cut a bitch. “
What new German words do you think we need?
Dinosaur Porn, AKA Romancing the Bone
Posted: October 8, 2013 Filed under: Bizarre, Miscellaneous | Tags: Dinosaur Erotica, Dinosaur Porn, Pterodactyl Porn, Taken by the T-Rex 6 CommentsUsually the Japanese are on the forefront of all things sexually horrifying, i.e., tentacle sex anime, vending machines that sell previously worn underpants, and a popular comic book character called “Rapeman.”
Because “Vile Sexual Predator Who Should Be Bludgeoned and Fed to Sharks” wouldn’t fit on the cover.
However, Americans are stepping up their perv game to bring the world — and I’m not kidding — dinosaur-based erotica. Apparently there is a small subset of U.S. women whose deepest, darkest fantasy involves is being taken against their will by… a brontosaurus. Amazon.com actually sells sexy(?) novellas about lusty cave women being molested by megalodons and schtupped by stegosauruses.
I did not Photoshop this. I swear.
These dino-sex enthusiasts also support the narrow but apparently lucrative paleo-porn video market. For which, I would like to suggest the following titles:
* Land of the Lust
* Roger Raptor: Velocirapist
* Yabba Dabba Do Me
Yes, that is a lady being violated by a beak. Our friend The Loch Ness Monster is covering up the grossest bit, presumably while trying not to throw up. And she’s a monster.
In conclusion, when Jurassic Park 4 hits this theaters in 2015, you may want to avoid sitting next to anyone with a fistful of $1’s ready to throw at the screen. (And make sure they’re wearing pants.)
Spooky Jewel-Encrusted Saint Skeletons Found In Catacombs
Posted: September 11, 2013 Filed under: Bizarre, Miscellaneous | Tags: Bejeweled skeletons, Catacombs of Rome, Catholic, Christian martyrs, Heavenly Bodies: Cult Treasures and Spectacular Saints from the Catacombs, Skeleton 5 CommentsIn a particularly morbid find, a 400-year-old collection of heavily jeweled skeletons has been discovered in Europe. The bodies of Catholic martyrs and saints were meticulously decorated with precious jewels, pearls and crowns centuries ago and displayed for the poor to worship. Which in no way is a dick move by the Church at all.
Are we sure this isn’t what’s left of Liberace?
Some of them were displayed in rather flamboyant costumes.
Breast plate? Check. Hoop skirt? Check. Pimp cup. Check. Now, who’s ready to get saintly all up in here?
And some were arranged in inexplicably hilarious, come-hither poses.
“How YOU doin’?”
Sometimes You Just Need to Pack Up Your Dinosaurs and Leave the Room
Posted: August 22, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous, Nerd HQ 2 CommentsCheck out this brilliant post about Ray Bradbury on my friend Anita’s wonderful blog “Anita’s Notebook”:
Packing up your dinosaurs… easier said than done.
CIA: “Area 51 Exists!” World: “Duh.”
Posted: August 16, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous, Nerd HQ | Tags: Area 51, CIA, Groom Lake, Paradise Ranch, Unidentified flying object 2 CommentsIn an announcement that surprised absolutely no one, the CIA has now confirmed the existence of Area 51. Of course, they gloss over any UFO references, referring to the site as a super-secret area dedicated to “testing spy planes.”
“Testing spy planes is slang for reverse-engineering UFOs, right?”
Despite having a variety of nicknames – including Dreamland, Groom Lake and the unintentionally hilarious Homey Airport – the base is officially known as Paradise Ranch. Which is a TERRIBLE name — it sounds like a Texas-themed titty bar. Although you have to admit having an on-base topless bar for the alien captives would be the hospitable thing to do. Someone get the Geneva Convention people on the phone…
You don’t want to know what she’s got going on downstairs.
Giant Red-Haired Cannibals Found in Nevada?
Posted: August 14, 2013 Filed under: Cryptozoology, Miscellaneous, Nerd HQ | Tags: Cannibalism, Lovelock Cave, Nevada, Paiute people, Red hair, Si-Te-Cah 4 CommentsThe Paiutes, a Native American tribe indigenous to the Nevada desert, have long told the tale of red-headed, man-eating giants who terrorized their tribe centuries ago. The red-haired giants stood at least 12 feet tall and preyed upon the women and children of the tribe, capturing them for food. According to legend, the Paiutes finally managed to trap the man-eaters in a cave and lit brush on fire at the entrance. The giants perished and the story faded into legend until 1911, when an amateur archaeologist discovered two enormous skeletons in Nevada’s Lovelock Cavern –a female standing 6.5″ and a male measuring at almost 8 feet. Both skeletons supposedly had red hair. Check out the jawbone of one of the giants, compared to the cast of an average American male jaw:
Gary Busey, is that you?
Giant man-eaters? Maybe. Super-creepy gingers? Definitely.
Your evil cannibal ancestors called. They said you’re embarrassing them.
“No Faint Hearts in Fort Worth” Reference in Today’s FW Star-Telegra
Posted: August 12, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous 2 CommentsThere’s a great article in today’s Fort Worth Star-Telegram talking about an upcoming event at TCU next month remembering JFK’s impact on Fort Worth. The article mentions the President’s famous quote about Fort Worth — the title of this very blog.
Check it out, ya’ll.
http://www.star-telegram.com/2013/08/10/5071140/fort-worth-to-remember-jfk-at.html
Side note: My dad was the “other reporter” that went with Bob Schieffer to pick up Marguerite Oswald and take her to the Dallas police station to see her son, Lee Harvey.
“Schieffer asked the woman for her address so he and another reporter could give her a ride to Dallas.”
My father — Bill Foster — was the automotive editor for the Star-Telegram at the time and drove Bob and Mrs. Oswald (who he described to me as “bizarre, rambling and unhinged”) to the Dallas police station. I really wish that the Star-Telegram would have the professional courtesy to mention Dad by name whenever this comes up. (And it comes up every November.)
Always the gentleman, Bob does mention Dad in his excellent book “This Just In: What I Couldn’t Tell You on TV” — which I recommend if you are interested in the JFK assassination.
Thanks to the ever-awesome Kang for sending! 🙂
Too soon?
Dutch Baboons Buzzed by UFOs?
Posted: August 9, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous, Nerd HQ | Tags: Baboon, Dutch zoo baboons, Unidentified flying object 4 CommentsZoologists at a Dutch zoo are mystified by the strange behavior of a troop of baboons who recently began exhibiting bizarre PTSD symptoms. The baboons are hiding in trees and refusing to come out or interact with zoo visitors. It’s a extreme version of how primates in the wild react to an encounter with an apex predator, leading some to theorize that the baboons may have been traumatized by a UFO sighting.
Due to the large number of monkey cosmonauts launched into the galaxy as “test pilots” during the Space Race of the 1950s/60s, the aliens may have come to assume that monkeys are the most intelligent species on Earth. Also, that they are swinging bachelor playboys, based on those little jumpsuits. (You know how astronauts are.)
I’m kind of a big deal.
They’re probably just trying to broker a peace treaty and think the baboons are playing hard to get.
I’ve got a 50-gallon banana daiquiri with your name on it. Let’s talk.
No Faint Hearts in Fort Worth... 
Recent Comments