Come Back, Big Tex!
Posted: October 22, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous | Tags: 2013 Big Tex, Big Tex, creepy new Big Tex, New Big Tex, Texas State Fair 2013 2 CommentsI miss our old state fair mascot. This new version looks less like Big Tex and more like Rapey Will Rogers.
Howdy, ma’am! Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
The Saddest Book in the World
Posted: October 19, 2013 Filed under: Writing 1 Comment
AKA: I’ve Never Seen a Grown Man Naked.
It Sounds Better in German
Posted: October 17, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous, Writing | Tags: David Hasselhoff, German language 2 CommentsGerman is the non-nerd version of Klingon: a guttural language best used for barking orders at people and threatening Poland. However, it’s very good at one thing — effectively condensing a complex concept into a single useful word. Words like Schadenfraude (taking pleasure in other’s misery) and Handschuhschneeballwerfer (someone who wears gloves to throw snowballs.)
GreasieHoffenCrotcher?
Despite German’s legendary efficiency, there are still some situations that need a descriptor. So I’m throwing my tiny green hat into the semantic ring to come up with my own German efficiency words. Such as…
SkittleGrossen — purposely buying candy you hate to avoid eating it all before Halloween.
Marina: “Damn it! Patrick ate all the mini-Snickers I bought for the trick-or-treaters.”
Me: “You should have SkittleGrossened. I’m giving out circus peanuts and Clamato.”
Legend has it that these were once edible.
Druncle — the randy, drunk uncle who skeeves everyone out during the holidays with inappropriate topics.
Example
Me: “My druncle freaked us all out at Christmas by talking about his nipples. Again.”
Or wrestle with his shirt off.
BoozenKinder — the practice of making the presence of ill-behaved children more tolerable by pretending that they are tiny, inebriated adults.
Example
A small boy runs by, wearing his underpants like a mask and screeching “I’m a Batman! Wheeeeee!!!”
Me: “LOL. That guy is cut off. No more Jäger for you, Dakota!”
“I will cut a bitch. “
What new German words do you think we need?
UFO Crash in North London!
Posted: October 15, 2013 Filed under: Bizarre, Nerd HQ | Tags: North Harringay primary school, North London, Primary school, Tottenham, UFO, Unidentified flying object 2 CommentsChildren at a North London primary school were astonished to find a crashed UFO half-buried in the tarmac when they went to class a few weeks ago. The ship was being guarded by a constable while a forensics officer collected evidence.
Rather than British Roswell, however, it turned out to be a staged event by the parents meant to inspire the children on Creative Writing Day.
The coolest thing that ever happened at my elementary was a trip to the local bakery. And those lucky little British kids got a U-F-freakin’-O crash in the middle of their playground… just to inspire them to write well.
Here’s a close-up of the saucer to rub it in.
I’m currently campaigning to be adopted by one of these brilliant parents, but it’s not going well. Something about “you’re already an adult” blah blah “let go of my leg” blah blah “restraining order.” Kids just do NOT know how good they’ve got it these days.
And I’m officially turning into Grandpa Simpson in 3… 2…
If I’m not back at the home by nine, they declare me legally dead and collect my insurance.
All I Want For Christmas is a Bigfoot Sweater
Posted: October 12, 2013 Filed under: Bigfoot, Bizarre, Cryptozoology | Tags: Bigfoot, Bigfoot Christmas sweater, Yeti Leave a commentDear Santa,
See below.
Thanks in advance,
Mandy
* Shout-out to FOB and screenwriter extraordinaire Cathy Bible for finding this knitted piece of Yuletide Yeti goodness.
Spontaneous Human Combustion Death in Oklahoma?
Posted: October 10, 2013 Filed under: Bizarre, Nerd HQ | Tags: Danny Vanzandt, Okahoma Spontaneous Human Combustion, spontaneous combustion, Spontaneous Human Combustion 2 CommentsWhen the body of Danny Vanzandt was discovered in his Oklahoma home this February, the 65-year-old man’s remains had been reduced to a smoking heap of black ash in his kitchen. However, except for scorch marks on the nearby refrigerator, nothing else in the house had been burned (including the floor underneath the body). The local fire marshal called it a mystery and the Sequoyah County Sheriff said that Spontaneous Human Combustion (SHC) had not been ruled out as cause of death.
Vanzandt was known to be a heavy smoker and drinker; both common traits in reported victims of this mysterious phenomenon. And almost all of the reports mention that he reportedly had very poor hygiene, which is just rude. Good Lord, the poor man is dead. No need to shame him about deodorant at this point.
This is very sad so I’m not making any jokes.
The cause of death has now been ruled as a heart attack, with the theory that the victim fell onto a lit cigarette as he died. Which still doesn’t explain why the house didn’t burn down along with him. To reduce the body to the level of incineration found, the body would have had to have burned for 10 hours straight, according to reports. And the house was a veritable tinder box, with no running water.
Very, very odd… Where are Mulder and Scully when you need them?
Dinosaur Porn, AKA Romancing the Bone
Posted: October 8, 2013 Filed under: Bizarre, Miscellaneous | Tags: Dinosaur Erotica, Dinosaur Porn, Pterodactyl Porn, Taken by the T-Rex 6 CommentsUsually the Japanese are on the forefront of all things sexually horrifying, i.e., tentacle sex anime, vending machines that sell previously worn underpants, and a popular comic book character called “Rapeman.”
Because “Vile Sexual Predator Who Should Be Bludgeoned and Fed to Sharks” wouldn’t fit on the cover.
However, Americans are stepping up their perv game to bring the world — and I’m not kidding — dinosaur-based erotica. Apparently there is a small subset of U.S. women whose deepest, darkest fantasy involves is being taken against their will by… a brontosaurus. Amazon.com actually sells sexy(?) novellas about lusty cave women being molested by megalodons and schtupped by stegosauruses.
I did not Photoshop this. I swear.
These dino-sex enthusiasts also support the narrow but apparently lucrative paleo-porn video market. For which, I would like to suggest the following titles:
* Land of the Lust
* Roger Raptor: Velocirapist
* Yabba Dabba Do Me
Yes, that is a lady being violated by a beak. Our friend The Loch Ness Monster is covering up the grossest bit, presumably while trying not to throw up. And she’s a monster.
In conclusion, when Jurassic Park 4 hits this theaters in 2015, you may want to avoid sitting next to anyone with a fistful of $1’s ready to throw at the screen. (And make sure they’re wearing pants.)
Zombie Survival Store Opens in Florida
Posted: October 5, 2013 Filed under: Bizarre, Nerd HQ | Tags: ammo, machetes, Orlando, zombie, zombie apocalypse, Zombie Survival Store 5 Comments
A Zombie Survival Army/Navy Store recently opened in Orlando, FL. It sells typical Army/Navy store stuff — camouflage jackets, ammo boxes, etc. — but it also features a pretty broad selection of supplies to help you survive a zombie apocalypse, such as MRE’s and first aid kits.
Although if you get a wicked zombie bite, I’m not sure a Band-Aid will help.
More usefully, they have a shit-ton of knives for sale.
Don’t think of it as a machete; think of it as a portable zombie guillotine.
So when the zombie apocalypse comes, head to Orlando to stock up on supplies. And trust no one.
Bizarre Nazi Program to Breed Giant Rabbits Revealed
Posted: September 29, 2013 Filed under: Bizarre | Tags: Angora rabbit, Heinrich Himmler, Luftwaffe, Operation Munchkin 3 CommentsDetails of a weird Nazi breeding program were recently uncovered in an old German archive. It seems that S.S. Chief Heinrich Himmler — occultist, former chicken farmer and all-around bastion of sanity — orchestrated a plan to secretly raise giant Angora rabbits in concentration camps during World War II in order to provide warm, fur-lined coats for Luftwaffe pilots. The program was adorably called Operation Munchkin. For reals.
Members of Operation Munchkin, arguably the cuddliest Nazis ever.
The rabbits were humanely raised in warm hutches and more than one poor inmate/caretaker was executed for not showing Himmler’s bunnies “enough respect.”
Heinrich Himmler: Rabbit Activist.
Stare into the face of evil. Snuggly, wuggly evil.
Mysterious Creepy Clown Caught on Tape
Posted: September 27, 2013 Filed under: Bizarre | Tags: creepy clown, creepy clown caught on tape, Northampton clown, Pennywise 2 CommentsA not-at-all-insane person has been spotted lurking around the town of Northampton in the U.K. dressed like a homicidal clown. He never speaks — he just stares at people as they walk/run by trying not to scream, presumably to the store to buy replacement underpants.
Here he is, being absolutely fucking terrifying while holding toy balloons.
Imagine running into this at night:
Don’t mind me. I’m just here to eat your soul.
Chuckles Manson up there was recently captured on video for the first time, silently being creepy as shit in a fountain.
While remaining anonymous, the mystery man described his behavior to a local newspaper as “just a bit of harmless fun.” He then climbed into a windowless van full of shovels and duct tape and asked for directions to the nearest kindergarten.
No Faint Hearts in Fort Worth... 
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