CIA: “Area 51 Exists!” World: “Duh.”
Posted: August 16, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous, Nerd HQ | Tags: Area 51, CIA, Groom Lake, Paradise Ranch, Unidentified flying object 2 CommentsIn an announcement that surprised absolutely no one, the CIA has now confirmed the existence of Area 51. Of course, they gloss over any UFO references, referring to the site as a super-secret area dedicated to “testing spy planes.”
“Testing spy planes is slang for reverse-engineering UFOs, right?”
Despite having a variety of nicknames – including Dreamland, Groom Lake and the unintentionally hilarious Homey Airport – the base is officially known as Paradise Ranch. Which is a TERRIBLE name — it sounds like a Texas-themed titty bar. Although you have to admit having an on-base topless bar for the alien captives would be the hospitable thing to do. Someone get the Geneva Convention people on the phone…
You don’t want to know what she’s got going on downstairs.
Giant Red-Haired Cannibals Found in Nevada?
Posted: August 14, 2013 Filed under: Cryptozoology, Miscellaneous, Nerd HQ | Tags: Cannibalism, Lovelock Cave, Nevada, Paiute people, Red hair, Si-Te-Cah 4 CommentsThe Paiutes, a Native American tribe indigenous to the Nevada desert, have long told the tale of red-headed, man-eating giants who terrorized their tribe centuries ago. The red-haired giants stood at least 12 feet tall and preyed upon the women and children of the tribe, capturing them for food. According to legend, the Paiutes finally managed to trap the man-eaters in a cave and lit brush on fire at the entrance. The giants perished and the story faded into legend until 1911, when an amateur archaeologist discovered two enormous skeletons in Nevada’s Lovelock Cavern –a female standing 6.5″ and a male measuring at almost 8 feet. Both skeletons supposedly had red hair. Check out the jawbone of one of the giants, compared to the cast of an average American male jaw:
Gary Busey, is that you?
Giant man-eaters? Maybe. Super-creepy gingers? Definitely.
Your evil cannibal ancestors called. They said you’re embarrassing them.
“No Faint Hearts in Fort Worth” Reference in Today’s FW Star-Telegra
Posted: August 12, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous 2 CommentsThere’s a great article in today’s Fort Worth Star-Telegram talking about an upcoming event at TCU next month remembering JFK’s impact on Fort Worth. The article mentions the President’s famous quote about Fort Worth — the title of this very blog.
Check it out, ya’ll.
http://www.star-telegram.com/2013/08/10/5071140/fort-worth-to-remember-jfk-at.html
Side note: My dad was the “other reporter” that went with Bob Schieffer to pick up Marguerite Oswald and take her to the Dallas police station to see her son, Lee Harvey.
“Schieffer asked the woman for her address so he and another reporter could give her a ride to Dallas.”
My father — Bill Foster — was the automotive editor for the Star-Telegram at the time and drove Bob and Mrs. Oswald (who he described to me as “bizarre, rambling and unhinged”) to the Dallas police station. I really wish that the Star-Telegram would have the professional courtesy to mention Dad by name whenever this comes up. (And it comes up every November.)
Always the gentleman, Bob does mention Dad in his excellent book “This Just In: What I Couldn’t Tell You on TV” — which I recommend if you are interested in the JFK assassination.
Thanks to the ever-awesome Kang for sending! 🙂
Too soon?
Dutch Baboons Buzzed by UFOs?
Posted: August 9, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous, Nerd HQ | Tags: Baboon, Dutch zoo baboons, Unidentified flying object 4 CommentsZoologists at a Dutch zoo are mystified by the strange behavior of a troop of baboons who recently began exhibiting bizarre PTSD symptoms. The baboons are hiding in trees and refusing to come out or interact with zoo visitors. It’s a extreme version of how primates in the wild react to an encounter with an apex predator, leading some to theorize that the baboons may have been traumatized by a UFO sighting.
Due to the large number of monkey cosmonauts launched into the galaxy as “test pilots” during the Space Race of the 1950s/60s, the aliens may have come to assume that monkeys are the most intelligent species on Earth. Also, that they are swinging bachelor playboys, based on those little jumpsuits. (You know how astronauts are.)
I’m kind of a big deal.
They’re probably just trying to broker a peace treaty and think the baboons are playing hard to get.
I’ve got a 50-gallon banana daiquiri with your name on it. Let’s talk.
A Public Service Announcement Regarding Semi-Nude Selfies
Posted: July 30, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous, Writing | Tags: Anthony Weiner, Brett Favre, Geraldo Rivera, Loch Ness Monster, Pancho Villa 9 CommentsIn a sure sign of the impending apocalypse, a flurry of groin-centric celebrity selfies has recently hit the Internet.
Attention, men of Earth: Unless your name rhymes with Rent Treznor or Tanning Baitum, no one wants to see your sexy self-portraiture.
Last week, 70-year-old Geraldo Rivera drunk-tweeted a picture of himself wearing nothing but hippie glasses and a dangerously low-slung towel.
Pancho Villa’s corpse has surprisingly tight abs.
Then, of course, there are the many moods of Carlos Danger, AKA Anthony Weiner — who shrewdly sent wang pics to some rando girl who looks like the night manager of an Applebee’s.
To keep things SFW, I’ve artfully obscured Little Carlos with the Loch Ness Monster.
And finally, the grand-daddy of all celebrity crotch shots: Mr. Brett Favre, a man so arrogant and lazy, he notoriously couldn’t even be bothered to remove his hideous Crocs while sexting.
.
There’s no way I’m posting anything that gross. And by that, I mean the Crocs.
In summary: This has never worked in the history of EVER. If you want to arouse a girl, send her a picture of yourself rescuing puppies from a fire — you will be on the bus to Poundtown before you know it. You’re welcome.
Man-Weasel Mystery, AKA Gef the Talking Mongoose
Posted: July 27, 2013 Filed under: Writing 4 CommentsThis is a reported cryptozoology case from the 1930s that is very intriguing. On the small Isle of Man, just off the coast of England, a family reported that their home was inhabited by a talking mongoose. His name was Gef and — while few people ever saw him — enough local folks and investigators heard him to create a media sensation. Noted parapsychology researcher Harry Price actually lived with the family for a few weeks and documented the case in his book The Haunting of Cashen’s Gap. The case has never been solved and continues to fascinate paranormal researchers (okay, just me) to this day.
“Man-Weasel” is another one of Anthony Weiner’s sexting pseudonyms.
This Week in Bigfoot News…
Posted: July 26, 2013 Filed under: Bigfoot | Tags: Bigfoot, Cryptozoology, Linguistics, Sasquatch, Unknown Primates Leave a commentIt’s been a pretty big week for our boy Bigfoot, He’s got a brand new video out.
Bigfoot’s been camera-shy ever since he got that disastrous Brazilian wax.
He’s also had some big audiotape news. On BigfootSounds.com, R. Scott Nelson (a retired Navy linguistics expert) claims to be able to speak Sasquatch and has posted his own phonetic Bigfoot alphabet. The crypto-linguist has recently translated recordings of the legendary Berry-Morehead 1970s audiotape of Bigfoot speech. The transcript reveals that – like 68% of other overweight Americans – Bigfoot is obsessed with food.
He’s calling Jenny Craig.
Ghost Adventures is Fake? I Am Shocked!
Posted: July 23, 2013 Filed under: Ghosts | Tags: Ghost Adventures, ghost hunting, paranormal, villisca axe murders 9 CommentsSaid no one ever.
Paranormal researchers are up in arms about Ghost Adventures, claiming that the show is fake. It features three muscle-bound asshats going to “haunted” locations to heckle the spirit world. They try to embarrass the ghosts into appearing by yelling things like “Are you scared of me?” and “Don’t be such a pussy!” Because the dead are definitely worried about their street cred.
Understandably, the ghosts never appear so you end up watching 40 minutes of douchebags in Ed Hardy shirts and laughable belt buckles (see below) bellowing threats at nothing.
Sadly, they’ve pulled this routine at the site of some very tragic incidents, such as the Villisca Axe Murder house. Even if they died 100 years ago, I still think it’s still in bad taste to tell dead people to “suck it.”
Bravely taunting thin air since 2008. Hellz yeah!
It All Goes Back to Blade Runner
Posted: July 20, 2013 Filed under: Nerd HQ | Tags: Blade Runner, Deckard, Harrison Ford, Replicant, Rick Deckard, Ridley Scott 16 CommentsEverything basically goes back to Blade Runner for me. It’s my favorite movie of all time, so I am understandably stoked about the upcoming sequel.
Ridley Scott is supposedly wooing 71-year-old Harrison Ford to reprise his role as Deckard. (If I’m going into full-sci-fi-nerd mode here, I might find this problematic since Deckard turns out to be a Nexus-6 replicant in the film and technically would not have aged.)
However, I am so excited about a sequel at this point that I would pay top dollar to watch Harrison Ford eat lunch at Red Lobster – as long as he wore that cool trench coat.
Advertising of the Future: Why hasn’t this happened yet? I would buy literally anything a 17-story geisha told me to.
No Faint Hearts in Fort Worth... 
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