Sounds Like a Sleestak

Last month, a group of Arizona mountain bikers were startled to run into what they described as a “reptilian humanoid” in the middle of a trail in Sonoran Desert.

The witness told Cryptozoology News that the lizard man was man-sized and bipedal, but appeared to some kind of reptile-primate hybrid. So basically a Sleestak.

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I’ve seen enough hentai to know where this is going.


This Week in Werewolf News…

Following last week’s story about a “werewolf” sighting in Brazil, NFHIFW is on bit of a werewolf roll… with more lycanthrope-related stories for you.

First, behold the terrifying adorableness of the Werewolf Kitten — a new breed of cat that has been bred to look like a werewolf — if it weighed five pounds and answered to the name of Mr. Snugglepants, that is.

Werewolf kitteh

The full moon! Bloodlust rising. I must find a victim to maim and… hey, is that a felt mouse? 

And because not a week can go by without America embracing some fad weight loss plan, I give you: the Werewolf Diet. Although running through the forest naked and howling at the moon would probably burn some extra calories, the basic gist of the program is fasting during the full moon.

Bodybuilder Werewolf

And lots of crunches, by the looks of it. 

The diet must work, though, because when I Googled werewolf pictures for this story, they were all surprisingly muscular and buff. In almost a sexual way. As if there was such a thing as werewolf porn. Oh, dear God. There’s werewolf porn.

That link is NSFL (Not Safe For Life). Do not click on it.

In summary: Werewolf Kittens – adorable. Werewolf Diet – dubious. Werewolf Porn – Rule 34 strikes again. I should really make a terrible joke about werewolves getting lots of tail at this point but I need to go scrub my brain with bleach.


Brazilian Town on Werewolf Alert!

Authorities in the town of São Gonçalo de Campos in Brazil issued a curfew requiring residents to stay inside after 9 p.m. since locals started reporting sightings of something that looks quite a bit like a werewolf.

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Although to be fair, in this screenshot it also looks quite a bit like a picnic table. 

The “monster” was caught on security footage in someone’s back yard. It’s almost certainly a hoax but it’s still pretty damn creepy. Check it out:


Walking on Water: Intriguing Evidence of Possible “Time Slip” in the UK

planetpreternatural's avatarplanetpreternatural

Crosby Beach Figure Mysterious figure just off Crosby beach? Photo © Philip McKeown. Reproduced with permission.

Back in 2010 during our annual ‘Paranormal Week’ (PW) at Halton Lea Library in Runcorn, a gentleman called Philip McKeown showed the PW team a photograph he had taken sometime around 1983. The picture (see below) was a shot of the shoreline around Crosby taken during a stormy day. At first glance, everything in the picture appeared to be perfectly normal but, as Philip soon pointed out, on closer inspection there appeared to be a figure walking towards the shore – not through the waves, but right on top of them. He told us that where the figure was positioned, the water would have been around 5 foot deep. Philip went on to assure us that the photo had not been manipulated in any way, nor was it a double exposure. He also told us that at…

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Human Monster Sighting: The Silvercrested Narcissist

Very excited to be writing my first requested blog post. Friend of the Blog (FOB), Most Interesting Man in the World and all-around bad-ass Thomas Blasucci requested a post on a creature even more terrifying than creepy clowns or ghastly ghost sharks… the dreaded one-upping, conversational Narcissist!

We all know the Narcissist — that person who — either out of insecurity, egomania or an unholy alliance of the two — steers any and all conversation directly back to themselves at all costs. This is an almost word-for-for reenactment of a conversation I recently had with one such horror.

Me: “I might get new glasses.”
Him: “I don’t need those because I have 20-20 eyesight. Funny anecdote about that…. I was telling my close personal friend the Dalai Lama about my perfect vision and he told me that I was the handsomest man he ever met. Long story short: I INVENTED GLASSES!”

The most frightening thing about narcissists is — unlike conventional monsters — you can’t kill them with holy water or a silver bullet. Well, a silver bullet would probably do the trick but try explaining that to a grand jury. The only thing you can do is back slowly out of the room while avoiding eye contact, like you would with a grizzly bear or the Mayor of Toronto. Then run like hell.

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Legend has it that they can be killed with an ax but that’s kind of a grey legal area. 


The U-28 Abomination: A WW I Sea Monster Story

Here’s a great sea monster story straight from the good people at www.americanmonsters.com. (Which may be my new favorite web site.)

During World War 1,  Commander Freiherr Georg-Günther von Forstner encountered what he and his crew described as a 60-foot-long crocodile off the coast of Ireland. After his U-Boat (the U-28 Schmidt) sank the British steamer Iberian on July 30, 1915, the German captain and his crew were shocked to witness a violent explosion of ship debris shoot into the air that included a dinosaur-sized crocodile.

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Wheeeeeeeeeeee!

In 1935, von Forstner published a book about the event called “The Case for The Sea Serpent.” Here’s a quote:

“We were unable to identify the creature, but all of us agreed that it resembled an aquatic crocodile, which was about 60-feet long, with four limbs resembling large webbed feet, a long, pointed tail and a head which also tapered to a point. Unfortunately we were not able to take a photograph, for the animal sank out of sight after ten or fifteen seconds.”

German U-Boat captains are not particularly whimsical men. Nor are they given to flights of fancy involving improbably giant animals, especially with Herr Hitler breathing down their neck. So for Captain von Forstner to publish an entire BOOK about a sea monster in 1935, either one of two things had to have happened:

1. von Forstner’s Jarlsberg cheese finally slid off his cracker. Or,

2. He saw a goddamn sea monster.

I think you know which way I’m leaning.

North. I’m leaning North, because I think that’s the direction of Ireland from here. (Full disclosure: I am not good with directions.)


Sea Monster Alert: Giant Squid Caught Off Coast of Japan

A giant squid, weighing over 350 pounds, was recently netted by Shigenori Goto off Japan’s Sadogashima Island in Niigata Prefecture. Extremely rare, with eyes the size of basketballs and eight creepy tentacles, giant squids are thought to be the basis of sea monster legends throughout the centuries.

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Code name: Calamari.

These nightmares of the sea can grow up to 60 feet long and have a giant beak, like a parrot. Inside that beak sits a tongue covered in jagged teeth. Because Nature is a terrifying bitch.

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Who wants a kiss? 

And, oh yeah… each tentacle features a razor-sharp hook.

Squid hook

Even Great White sharks are like: “Aw, hell naw.” 

Plus, recent scientific studies indicate that giant squid intelligence is on the rise.

So I, for one, would like to be the first to welcome our new Squid Overlords. The cuttlefish buffet is right this way, your Tentacleness.


Seven-Foot Satan Statue In Oklahoma City? This Is Sure To End Well.

A group of New York Satanists announced plans to erect a seven-foot-tall statue of Satan at the Oklahoma state Capitol building to protest the giant Ten Commandments statue that was built there in 2012.

Hell No

Nope, nothing horrifying about this. 

My Dad was from Oklahoma, so I know a few things about Okies. They like their guns loaded, their bibles thumped, and their Capitol buildings to be non-Satan-adjacent.

I’m all for free speech but if they put this thing up, it will last about week before someone shoots it, beheads it or converts it into a meth lab.

In summary: Good luck with this, Yankee infidels. This is TOTES a great idea that will in no way backfire whatsoever.


Dead Bigfoot Body Tour 2014: Take the Poll!

Cryptozoologist Rick Dyer (star of a documentary called Shooting Bigfootwas recently awarded the corpse of a Sasquatch he claims to have shot in San Antonio after winning a court battle with the film’s producers. He has announced the he will now tour the country with said corpse, charging curious visitors a fee to view the body of Bigfoot, AKA Biggie. (I’ve preemptively given him a nickname, in case we ever meet and be come BFFs — Beast Friends 4EVA.)

Bigfoot Corpse

Kenny Rogers has really let himself go.

Dyer has a lot of critics in the Squatch community, who claim that he’s a shyster. Regardless of the facts, if the Dead Bigfoot Body Tour comes to Fort Worth, I am there like underwear.


Dear Santa: Suck It

I’m a simple woman. I only asked Santa for a few small things this year: eternal youth, world domination and this UFO detector. (Click here to see it; SO snazzy and it’s getting great reviews on Amazon.com, including this one from someone who is definitely not an alien.)

I knew I was chancing it on the youth and world domination requests, but I felt certain that someone would buy me the UFO detector. I mean, c’mon… it even got a sterling review from the peerless George Takei (AKA Sulu from Star Trek.) Just look at this oiled blue steel beauty:

UFO Detector

For a 20% discount, don’t forget to use the code THECIAISTOTESNOTTRACKINGTHESEPLEASESPEAKDIRECTLYINTOTHESWIRLYTHING

But did I get one? No! It’s like Santa doesn’t even know me at all.

Screw the holidays. I am converting to Jediism. Maybe next year I’ll at least get a goddamned light saber.