Behold The World’s Most Terrifying Adopt-a-Highway Campaign
Posted: July 19, 2013 Filed under: Writing 4 CommentsA group of New York Satanists is petitioning the state to let them adopt a stretch of highway. (Please note that I am not making any Highway to Hell jokes here. It’s too easy.) They’ve set up an indiegogo page to raise the money they need. They also hired someone — I am guessing Rob Zombie — to film the CREEPIEST highway campaign ad ever.
It’s either us or the Rotary Club.
For Sale By Owner: Mr. G.M. Reaper
Posted: July 18, 2013 Filed under: Ghosts | Tags: Haunted House; ReMax 10 Comments
Seems legit.
Jersey Devil Spotted In Oklahoma?
Posted: July 13, 2013 Filed under: Cryptozoology, Miscellaneous | Tags: Jersey Devil, Oklahoma, Squirrel 2 CommentsCryptozoology fans were intrigued by a recent photo taken in Oklahoma of a mysterious animal bounding over a fence. The favorite theory was that it was The Jersey Devil. The creature (seen below) has now been identified as a hairless squirrel, much to the disappointment of crypto-buffs everywhere.
“Goddamn paparazzi won’t leave a brother alone.”
I think it looks more like Hellboy.
Case closed. That poor squirrel doesn’t look a thing like the original Jersey Devil, described as a short, bizarre creature (seen below) that terrorized New Jersey.
Still more attractive than Snooki.
Godzilla Update!
Posted: July 12, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous, Nerd HQ | Tags: 2011 Tōhoku earthquake and tsunami, Fukushima Prefecture, Godzilla, Mothra, Radioactive waste 6 CommentsIn my recent story about mysterious stones spontaneously combusting in people’s pants, the popular theory was that the rocks had been contaminated by radiation from the destroyed Fukushima nuclear plant. In the aftermath of the 2011 tsunami, both the Japanese and U.S. government declared that there was no way that radioactive waste could be leaking into the ocean. Because you can always trust the authorities to be forthright and honest about these things.
Exhibit A from today’s paper:
And by “probably leaking into the ocean,” they mean “definitely pouring in and creating hideous Cloverfield monsters.”
So, break out the anti-Godzilla guns, kids. And someone text Mothra.
Then get ready for the weirdest three-way ever. (Mothra likes to watch.)
Re-blog, baby!
Posted: July 10, 2013 Filed under: Writing 2 CommentsCheck it out, ya’ll. Anthony, of Manchester School of Samba in England, re-blogged my “Mysterious Stones Cause Spontaneous Trouser Combustion” story on his blog, msamba.
So awesome. Go check out his blog if you get a chance — it’s very cool.
Also want to recognize FOB/PIC Kevin Pendergraft as the latest person to sign up to follow No Faint Hearts. Thanks for the follow, KP. Please keep those awesome Wolfcop-esque emails coming.
I can’t top that Dirty Harry joke.
Mysterious Stones Cause Spontaneous Trouser Combustion in Brazil
Posted: July 10, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous | Tags: 2011 Tōhoku earthquake and tsunami, Brazil, Fukushima Prefecture, Godzilla, Japan, mysterious stones, spontaneous combustion 5 CommentsA fisherman in Brazil was recently hospitalized with burns in his stranger danger zone after some odd-looking stones that he had picked up on the beach burst into flames in his pants pocket. Must. Not. Make. Hot Dog. Joke.
And he’s not the only one. A San Diego woman suffered a similar fate last year, when she picked up some greenish-orange rocks on an American beach.
Do not store near genitals.
Despite government notices to the contrary, one theory is that these are radioactive fragments washing up from the destroyed Fukushima nuclear plant in the aftermath of the 2011 tsunami in Japan. So… radioactive waste from Japan possibly bobbing around in the ocean. Why does this sound familiar?
I’m on the Atkins Diet. I only eat people named Atkins.
Happy 66th Roswell Anniversary!
Posted: July 8, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous, Nerd HQ, Writing | Tags: Carswell Air Force Base, Fort Worth Star-Telegram, Roswell, Roswell 66th anniversary, Roswell UFO incident, UFO, Unidentified flying object, Wright-Patterson Air Force Base 4 CommentsToday marks the 66th anniversary of the Roswell Incident of 1947, the most famous UFO crash in history. I’m proud to report that Fort Worth played a big part in this event, which continues to fascinate both hardcore MUFON members and the general public.
Several days after the crash, mangled wreckage from the debris field in Roswell was reportedly routed to Carswell Air Force Base here in Fort Worth before being sent on for permanent storage/rumored reverse engineering at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in Ohio. In fact, the most iconic photo from the event was taken at Carswell by a Fort Worth Star-Telegram newspaper reporter.
According to numerous sources, Roswell crash eyewitness Major Jesse Marcel was flown to Fort Worth and forced to pose with the tattered remains of a weather balloon to bolster the military’s cover story after they recanted their initial press release of a downed UFO.
“Seriously, guys? No, for reals — seriously?”
I don’t what really happened on that hot, stormy July evening so many years ago, but I am sure of one thing: it was not a weather balloon. I’ve been to Roswell, people… I’ve seen things*.
* Things I’ve seen in Roswell include: morbidly obese German tourists, dogs in space alien costumes, men wearing tinfoil hats non-ironically and enough wild-eyed conspiracy theorists to fill an X-Files convention. Also, convincing evidence of some kind of government cover-up. But mostly the tinfoil-hat dudes.
Somewhere In Springfield, Homer Simpson Has a Massive Boner…
Posted: July 6, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous | Tags: Cronut, Dominque Ansel Bakery, Homer Simpson 3 CommentsIntroducing the Cronut, a half-donut/half-croissant hybrid that goes for $5 a pop in Manhattan and is selling on Craig’s List for $40 a piece. Chef/inventor Dominique Ansel refuses to divulge an exact calorie count but admits that it’s extremely high due to massive amounts of butter and cream that he injects into the layers with a syringe-like pastry tip before he deep-fries it.
Just look at it below, flaunting its sweet glazed decadence like a depraved Little Debbie. You’re mentally jamming your tongue into this right now, aren’t you?
I know I am.
Technically not porn.
It’s Been A Long Time, I Shouldn’t Have Left You…
Posted: July 4, 2013 Filed under: Writing 4 Commentswithout a dope beat to step to. (Timabaland: “I knew Aaliyah.You, madame, are no Aaliyah.”)
My computer has been in the shop so I’ve not been able to deliver the bizarre sea monster and Elvis stories you’ve come to know and love. However, I’m online now and back in the vagina joke business. And cousin… bidness is booming.
Kang: “Finally! We must celebrate.”
Kodos: “Agreed, brother. Break out the tentacle lube.”
KKK Member Tries to Sell Mysterious X-Ray Weapon to Synagogue
Posted: June 27, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous | Tags: General Electric, KKK, Ku Klux Klan, radiation-particle weapon 4 CommentsI know that this sounds like the set-up to an incredibly insensitive joke but it’s true. A General Electric engineer (and part-time KKK member) recently solicited both the KKK and a synagogue to provide financial backing for a creepy particle-radiation weapon he planned to build. WTF?
I thought the KKK hated everyone, including Jewish people. Not sure if I should congratulate the Klan for being inclusive or commiserate with the rabbi for having to deal with such a giant bag of dicks.
Luckily both the KKK and the rabbi ratted him out to the Feds and he was arrested before he could complete what was basically a giant weaponized microwave — proving that if you are crazy enough for the KKK and a synagogue to team up against you, you are indeed batshit.
Hey, ya’ll. I use mine to melt butter.
No Faint Hearts in Fort Worth... 
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