Godzilla Update!
Posted: July 12, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous, Nerd HQ | Tags: 2011 Tōhoku earthquake and tsunami, Fukushima Prefecture, Godzilla, Mothra, Radioactive waste 6 CommentsIn my recent story about mysterious stones spontaneously combusting in people’s pants, the popular theory was that the rocks had been contaminated by radiation from the destroyed Fukushima nuclear plant. In the aftermath of the 2011 tsunami, both the Japanese and U.S. government declared that there was no way that radioactive waste could be leaking into the ocean. Because you can always trust the authorities to be forthright and honest about these things.
Exhibit A from today’s paper:
And by “probably leaking into the ocean,” they mean “definitely pouring in and creating hideous Cloverfield monsters.”
So, break out the anti-Godzilla guns, kids. And someone text Mothra.
Then get ready for the weirdest three-way ever. (Mothra likes to watch.)
Happy 66th Roswell Anniversary!
Posted: July 8, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous, Nerd HQ, Writing | Tags: Carswell Air Force Base, Fort Worth Star-Telegram, Roswell, Roswell 66th anniversary, Roswell UFO incident, UFO, Unidentified flying object, Wright-Patterson Air Force Base 4 CommentsToday marks the 66th anniversary of the Roswell Incident of 1947, the most famous UFO crash in history. I’m proud to report that Fort Worth played a big part in this event, which continues to fascinate both hardcore MUFON members and the general public.
Several days after the crash, mangled wreckage from the debris field in Roswell was reportedly routed to Carswell Air Force Base here in Fort Worth before being sent on for permanent storage/rumored reverse engineering at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in Ohio. In fact, the most iconic photo from the event was taken at Carswell by a Fort Worth Star-Telegram newspaper reporter.
According to numerous sources, Roswell crash eyewitness Major Jesse Marcel was flown to Fort Worth and forced to pose with the tattered remains of a weather balloon to bolster the military’s cover story after they recanted their initial press release of a downed UFO.
“Seriously, guys? No, for reals — seriously?”
I don’t what really happened on that hot, stormy July evening so many years ago, but I am sure of one thing: it was not a weather balloon. I’ve been to Roswell, people… I’ve seen things*.
* Things I’ve seen in Roswell include: morbidly obese German tourists, dogs in space alien costumes, men wearing tinfoil hats non-ironically and enough wild-eyed conspiracy theorists to fill an X-Files convention. Also, convincing evidence of some kind of government cover-up. But mostly the tinfoil-hat dudes.
Choose Your Superpower!
Posted: June 23, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous, Nerd HQ | Tags: Force (Star Wars), Jedi Mind Trick, Superhero, Superpower 4 CommentsIt’s the question that inevitably comes up at parties: “If you could choose a super-power, what would it be?” (Full disclosure: I go to some pretty nerdy parties.)
Think about the idiotic powers that some superheroes have. Wonder Woman’s invisible plane? In no way is that both impractical and likely to get you shot out of the sky by the military. Or, the lowest of all superheroes: Aquaman. That poor bastard’s only gift is the ability to telepathically talk to fish.
Aquaman: “This is your master. I command you to come rescue me from the evil Sea Kelp Killer.”
A fish: “Food. Survival. Food.”
Aquaman: “Arghhh!” He dies.
Clearly the only superpower worth having is the mighty JEDI MIND TRICK. You can bend people to your will . Fighting crime? Walk up to the criminal and say “You no longer have the urge to be a douchebag. You now want to do charity work. While wearing clown shoes.”
What would you would choose.?
These are not the droids you’re looking for. You want to give me your life savings.
Chinese Jet vs. UFO: The UFO Won
Posted: June 18, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous, Nerd HQ | Tags: Air China, Boeing 757, Emergency landing, Nick Pope, Nose cone, UFO 5 CommentsAn Air China Boeing 757 recently collided with an unknown flying object (UFO) at 26,000 feet, causing the pilots to make an emergency landing. When the plane reached the ground, the pilots were in for a shock — the nose cone of the plane was completely caved in. Check it out below:
Nothing to see here. Move along.
What’s even weirder is that the pilots didn’t see anything in their flight path. They just suddenly heard a loud bang and felt an abrupt, metallic impact. I’m not saying they did run into a UFO with a cloaking device engaged. I’m not saying they didn’t run into a UFO with a cloaking device engaged. But I am saying cloaking device a lot.
*cough cough* TOTES A UFO! *cough cough*
Official Chinese Government Explanation: “Blah, blah, swamp gas, blah, blah, weather balloon, blah blah, possibly a flock of geese. Blah.”
The Law of Physics: “Fuck you.”
And Earth Will Be Destroyed By Space Aliens in 3, 2…
Posted: June 14, 2013 Filed under: Nerd HQ | Tags: Active SETI, Blind Willie Johnson, Carl Sagan, Extraterrestrial life, METI, Search for extraterrestrial intelligence, SETI, Texas 2 CommentsThe Blue Marble Space Institute of Science has created an online program in which the general public (always the bastion of diplomacy and sanity) can pay to post messages that will be broadcast into outer space. So, they’re going to let random Internet trolls trash-talk — and you know that’s what it will boil down to — an almost certainly more technologically advanced race. That seems like a shrewd and in-no-way-dangerous thing to do.
Called METI (Messaging for Extraterrestrial Intelligence), the program is sort of a pay-per-view version of SETI — a legitimate scientific organization that is dedicated to seeking out life on other planets. Scientists at SETI have sent radio messages into the cosmos in the past (beginning with the 1974 Arecibo Observatory message), hoping to reach intelligent alien life.
Of course, the scientific messages are carefully composed to include peaceful sentiments and the world’s best art and literature. (For instance, Carl Sagan included a copy of Texas’ own bluesman Blind Willie Johnson’s beautiful version of Dark Was The Night on the 1977 Voyager spacecraft mission.) Unlike whatever crap the human race decides to throw out there.
It will take about 35 years for the METI messages to reach anything. After that, I’m pretty sure we’re doomed.
We’re here to destroy your planet. Someone sent us Nickelback, so we assume this is a mercy killing.
Special thanks to FOB Kang for sending this in! 🙂
Word of the Day: Globster
Posted: June 6, 2013 Filed under: Cryptozoology, Nerd HQ | Tags: Lake monster, Loch Ness Monster, Marine biology, Nessie, Texas 2 CommentsAn unidentified, toothy sea creature (AKA, a globster) recently washed ashore in the U.K., causing speculation that it might be a deceased sea monster. Defined as “an unidentified organic mass that washes up on the shoreline of an ocean or other body of water,” a globster often sparks a lot of excitement and jokes about Loch Ness before it’s inevitably identified as the remains of a basking shark or — in this case — a large eel.
There have been reports of sea monsters (or lake monsters like Nessie) from all over the world. One of the most obscure yet interesting stories is Texas’ own Sea Monster of Port Isabel, which sparked a lively fishing competition off the Gulf of Mexico in 1938. The sea monster was reported by witnesses as being more than 40 feet long, proving that everything really is bigger in Texas.
Hey, ya’ll! I just ate Big Tex.
UFO Sightings Have Doubled in Canada; One in 10 Canucks Believe They’ve Seen A Saucer
Posted: June 5, 2013 Filed under: Nerd HQ 2 CommentsCanadian newspaper The Star reports that UFO sightings in Canada have doubled in the last year. The residents of Ontario have reported the biggest number, with sightings increasing during summer months.
UFO buffs know that Canada already has a long history of extraterrestrial sightings, with the most famous being the Shag Harbor incident of 1967. Hopefully the Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) will get right on this. I can’t imagine why aliens would be interested in targeting the Great White North.
They’ve come for the back bacon and weed. Mainly the weed.
Simpsons Theme Park: I Want To Go To There
Posted: May 30, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous, Nerd HQ | Tags: Barney Gumbel, Kang and Kodo, Moe's Tavern, Springfield, The Simpsons, Theme Park 5 CommentsD’oh! My dreams have come true — I will soon be able to drink overpriced beer at Moe’s Tavern and buy Hellboy comics at The Android’s Dungeon in Springfield. Universal Studios is building a Simpsons theme park in Orlando, Florida, that will include working versions of:
* Krusty Burger
* Lard Lad Donuts
* Moe’s Tavern (!)
* The Frying Dutchman, and
* Luigi’s Pizza
Most of all, I am looking forward to the new “intergalactic spinning” ride called Kang & Kodos’ Twirl N’ Hurl, which will (hopefully) send me ***twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom.
Twirling sold separately.
***Note: You must be a profound Simpsons nerd to get this joke. If you didn’t laugh, congratulate yourself on what must be a rich and interesting social life.
Kodos: They do realize that boarding the Twirl N’ Hurl will send them into an alternate slave dimension, right?
Kang: Hush, sister. Just keep smiling harmlessly. The humans will be giving us tentacle rubs in no time! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!!!
Tentacle jokes: They never get old.
Granbury Paranormal Expo 2013
Posted: May 22, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous, Nerd HQ | Tags: Ghost, Granbury Paranormal Expo, Jerky, paranormal, Psychic 8 CommentsI went to my first paranormal convention last weekend, and it was — to use some deep-fried Southern parlance — a hoot. Tons of cheesy new age psychics/fortune tellers abounded. The most hilarious booth (called something idiotic like Angelic Dolphin Crystal Channeling) featured a giant poster of a dolphin leaping over a rainbow using badly Photoshopped eagle wings. I could have literally created something more realistic with PaintShop Pro. Using my feet.
There were numerous paranormal groups there. The good folks from Paranologies.com had a table of customized ghost-hunting equipment. Really cool stuff, such as this Phono-Pod:
And this item, which I assume to be some sort of Steampunk Ghost Calculator:
I don’t know what it does but I still want it.
There was also, inexplicably, a booth selling homemade jerky. Tasty but hardly paranormal. Unless it was haunted jerky. Or possibly undead jerky?
Side Note: “Undead Jerky” is Tan Mom’s stripper name.
Speaking Of UFOs…
Posted: May 6, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous, Nerd HQ | Tags: Aliens, Citizen Hearing on Disclosure, Conspiracy Theory, Roswell, UFO 14 CommentsThe Huffington Post provided comprehensive coverage of the recent Citizen Hearing on Disclosure, a five-day Congressional-style hearing held at the National Press Club in Washington, D.C. from April 29 – May 3. While HuffPo did file it under their Weird News section, the coverage is straight-forward, with none of the joking tone that the media usually employs when reporting on UFOs.
Check it out. There are no tinfoil-hat, conspiracy nuts speaking in these sessions. These are, for the most part, former Congressmen and Senators, former astronauts, and retired high-ranking Air Force officers. There is also video of a deathbed disclosure of government knowledge of aliens from an ex-CIA operative. Note: Ignore the crappy, circa-1997 look to the website featuring the ex-CIA confession. Just focus on the compelling video.
Are these ships from another galaxy or just top-secret military vehicles of our own? It’s open for debate. But, whether you are firmly in the “UFOs don’t exist” camp OR a full-fledged UFO believer, I think you’ll find these articles and the video interesting.
A special THANK YOU to FOB (friend of the blog) Jennifer Malone for sending this in, btw. 🙂
Kang: This post isn’t funny at all. When is she going to get back to making Star Wars jokes?
Kodos: I don’t know but this sucks. Put her on the PROBE ROSTER!
No Faint Hearts in Fort Worth... 
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