A Public Service Announcement Regarding Semi-Nude Selfies
Posted: July 30, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous, Writing | Tags: Anthony Weiner, Brett Favre, Geraldo Rivera, Loch Ness Monster, Pancho Villa 9 CommentsIn a sure sign of the impending apocalypse, a flurry of groin-centric celebrity selfies has recently hit the Internet.
Attention, men of Earth: Unless your name rhymes with Rent Treznor or Tanning Baitum, no one wants to see your sexy self-portraiture.
Last week, 70-year-old Geraldo Rivera drunk-tweeted a picture of himself wearing nothing but hippie glasses and a dangerously low-slung towel.
Pancho Villa’s corpse has surprisingly tight abs.
Then, of course, there are the many moods of Carlos Danger, AKA Anthony Weiner — who shrewdly sent wang pics to some rando girl who looks like the night manager of an Applebee’s.
To keep things SFW, I’ve artfully obscured Little Carlos with the Loch Ness Monster.
And finally, the grand-daddy of all celebrity crotch shots: Mr. Brett Favre, a man so arrogant and lazy, he notoriously couldn’t even be bothered to remove his hideous Crocs while sexting.
.
There’s no way I’m posting anything that gross. And by that, I mean the Crocs.
In summary: This has never worked in the history of EVER. If you want to arouse a girl, send her a picture of yourself rescuing puppies from a fire — you will be on the bus to Poundtown before you know it. You’re welcome.
Jersey Devil Spotted In Oklahoma?
Posted: July 13, 2013 Filed under: Cryptozoology, Miscellaneous | Tags: Jersey Devil, Oklahoma, Squirrel 2 CommentsCryptozoology fans were intrigued by a recent photo taken in Oklahoma of a mysterious animal bounding over a fence. The favorite theory was that it was The Jersey Devil. The creature (seen below) has now been identified as a hairless squirrel, much to the disappointment of crypto-buffs everywhere.
“Goddamn paparazzi won’t leave a brother alone.”
I think it looks more like Hellboy.
Case closed. That poor squirrel doesn’t look a thing like the original Jersey Devil, described as a short, bizarre creature (seen below) that terrorized New Jersey.
Still more attractive than Snooki.
Godzilla Update!
Posted: July 12, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous, Nerd HQ | Tags: 2011 Tōhoku earthquake and tsunami, Fukushima Prefecture, Godzilla, Mothra, Radioactive waste 6 CommentsIn my recent story about mysterious stones spontaneously combusting in people’s pants, the popular theory was that the rocks had been contaminated by radiation from the destroyed Fukushima nuclear plant. In the aftermath of the 2011 tsunami, both the Japanese and U.S. government declared that there was no way that radioactive waste could be leaking into the ocean. Because you can always trust the authorities to be forthright and honest about these things.
Exhibit A from today’s paper:
And by “probably leaking into the ocean,” they mean “definitely pouring in and creating hideous Cloverfield monsters.”
So, break out the anti-Godzilla guns, kids. And someone text Mothra.
Then get ready for the weirdest three-way ever. (Mothra likes to watch.)
Mysterious Stones Cause Spontaneous Trouser Combustion in Brazil
Posted: July 10, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous | Tags: 2011 Tōhoku earthquake and tsunami, Brazil, Fukushima Prefecture, Godzilla, Japan, mysterious stones, spontaneous combustion 5 CommentsA fisherman in Brazil was recently hospitalized with burns in his stranger danger zone after some odd-looking stones that he had picked up on the beach burst into flames in his pants pocket. Must. Not. Make. Hot Dog. Joke.
And he’s not the only one. A San Diego woman suffered a similar fate last year, when she picked up some greenish-orange rocks on an American beach.
Do not store near genitals.
Despite government notices to the contrary, one theory is that these are radioactive fragments washing up from the destroyed Fukushima nuclear plant in the aftermath of the 2011 tsunami in Japan. So… radioactive waste from Japan possibly bobbing around in the ocean. Why does this sound familiar?
I’m on the Atkins Diet. I only eat people named Atkins.
Happy 66th Roswell Anniversary!
Posted: July 8, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous, Nerd HQ, Writing | Tags: Carswell Air Force Base, Fort Worth Star-Telegram, Roswell, Roswell 66th anniversary, Roswell UFO incident, UFO, Unidentified flying object, Wright-Patterson Air Force Base 4 CommentsToday marks the 66th anniversary of the Roswell Incident of 1947, the most famous UFO crash in history. I’m proud to report that Fort Worth played a big part in this event, which continues to fascinate both hardcore MUFON members and the general public.
Several days after the crash, mangled wreckage from the debris field in Roswell was reportedly routed to Carswell Air Force Base here in Fort Worth before being sent on for permanent storage/rumored reverse engineering at Wright-Patterson Air Force Base in Ohio. In fact, the most iconic photo from the event was taken at Carswell by a Fort Worth Star-Telegram newspaper reporter.
According to numerous sources, Roswell crash eyewitness Major Jesse Marcel was flown to Fort Worth and forced to pose with the tattered remains of a weather balloon to bolster the military’s cover story after they recanted their initial press release of a downed UFO.
“Seriously, guys? No, for reals — seriously?”
I don’t what really happened on that hot, stormy July evening so many years ago, but I am sure of one thing: it was not a weather balloon. I’ve been to Roswell, people… I’ve seen things*.
* Things I’ve seen in Roswell include: morbidly obese German tourists, dogs in space alien costumes, men wearing tinfoil hats non-ironically and enough wild-eyed conspiracy theorists to fill an X-Files convention. Also, convincing evidence of some kind of government cover-up. But mostly the tinfoil-hat dudes.
Somewhere In Springfield, Homer Simpson Has a Massive Boner…
Posted: July 6, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous | Tags: Cronut, Dominque Ansel Bakery, Homer Simpson 3 CommentsIntroducing the Cronut, a half-donut/half-croissant hybrid that goes for $5 a pop in Manhattan and is selling on Craig’s List for $40 a piece. Chef/inventor Dominique Ansel refuses to divulge an exact calorie count but admits that it’s extremely high due to massive amounts of butter and cream that he injects into the layers with a syringe-like pastry tip before he deep-fries it.
Just look at it below, flaunting its sweet glazed decadence like a depraved Little Debbie. You’re mentally jamming your tongue into this right now, aren’t you?
I know I am.
Technically not porn.
KKK Member Tries to Sell Mysterious X-Ray Weapon to Synagogue
Posted: June 27, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous | Tags: General Electric, KKK, Ku Klux Klan, radiation-particle weapon 4 CommentsI know that this sounds like the set-up to an incredibly insensitive joke but it’s true. A General Electric engineer (and part-time KKK member) recently solicited both the KKK and a synagogue to provide financial backing for a creepy particle-radiation weapon he planned to build. WTF?
I thought the KKK hated everyone, including Jewish people. Not sure if I should congratulate the Klan for being inclusive or commiserate with the rabbi for having to deal with such a giant bag of dicks.
Luckily both the KKK and the rabbi ratted him out to the Feds and he was arrested before he could complete what was basically a giant weaponized microwave — proving that if you are crazy enough for the KKK and a synagogue to team up against you, you are indeed batshit.
Hey, ya’ll. I use mine to melt butter.
Who Wants to See Wolfcop?
Posted: June 25, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous | Tags: hairy cops, heavily armed werewolf, Werewolf, Wolfcop 4 CommentsLAUGH your ass off as Wolfcop fights a gang of toothless rednecks!
THRILL as Wolfcop takes a blow to the head from a cultist wearing a (I am guessing) Honey Boo Boo mask!
CHEER as Wolfcop starts howling along with his own police siren!
(This is an actual movie that is being made. Swear to God. Thanks to FOB Kevin Pendergraft for his reliably hilarious emails.)
And now, because I just figured out how to do polls… a poll on Wolfcop! Go ahead – take the poll. You know you want to.
Choose Your Superpower!
Posted: June 23, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous, Nerd HQ | Tags: Force (Star Wars), Jedi Mind Trick, Superhero, Superpower 4 CommentsIt’s the question that inevitably comes up at parties: “If you could choose a super-power, what would it be?” (Full disclosure: I go to some pretty nerdy parties.)
Think about the idiotic powers that some superheroes have. Wonder Woman’s invisible plane? In no way is that both impractical and likely to get you shot out of the sky by the military. Or, the lowest of all superheroes: Aquaman. That poor bastard’s only gift is the ability to telepathically talk to fish.
Aquaman: “This is your master. I command you to come rescue me from the evil Sea Kelp Killer.”
A fish: “Food. Survival. Food.”
Aquaman: “Arghhh!” He dies.
Clearly the only superpower worth having is the mighty JEDI MIND TRICK. You can bend people to your will . Fighting crime? Walk up to the criminal and say “You no longer have the urge to be a douchebag. You now want to do charity work. While wearing clown shoes.”
What would you would choose.?
These are not the droids you’re looking for. You want to give me your life savings.
Chinese Jet vs. UFO: The UFO Won
Posted: June 18, 2013 Filed under: Miscellaneous, Nerd HQ | Tags: Air China, Boeing 757, Emergency landing, Nick Pope, Nose cone, UFO 5 CommentsAn Air China Boeing 757 recently collided with an unknown flying object (UFO) at 26,000 feet, causing the pilots to make an emergency landing. When the plane reached the ground, the pilots were in for a shock — the nose cone of the plane was completely caved in. Check it out below:
Nothing to see here. Move along.
What’s even weirder is that the pilots didn’t see anything in their flight path. They just suddenly heard a loud bang and felt an abrupt, metallic impact. I’m not saying they did run into a UFO with a cloaking device engaged. I’m not saying they didn’t run into a UFO with a cloaking device engaged. But I am saying cloaking device a lot.
*cough cough* TOTES A UFO! *cough cough*
Official Chinese Government Explanation: “Blah, blah, swamp gas, blah, blah, weather balloon, blah blah, possibly a flock of geese. Blah.”
The Law of Physics: “Fuck you.”
No Faint Hearts in Fort Worth... 
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